Breaking Up Is Hard to Do – Find Out Why
“Breaking up is hard to do,” the name of a popular song that hit the charts many years ago but the theme still stands today. Breaking up is still hard to do. If you have ever watched a friend, a loved one or anyone you know suffering in the throes of a heartbreaking relationship breakup, then you have probably wondered “What’s wrong with this person?” “Why can’t they just get rid of that difficult, lying, cheating, or unworthy partner?”
Researchers at Stony Brook University reported that brain images of people in love, desiring love from a partner who resently rejected them, resemble brain images of cocaine addicts craving cocaine. We have heard it said that love is sometimes an addiction. This current research seems to validate that statement.
What parts of the brain show the greatest effect? In this research study, viewing a photo of their former girlfriend or boyfriend actually stimulated the following brain sections:
* Ventral tegmental area in mid-brain – controls motivation and reward.
* Nucleus accumbens & prefrontal cortex – linked to cravings and addiction
* Insular cortex & anterior cingulate – affects physical pain and suffering
” The researchers said that these brain images also explain why extreme emotions and behaviors can be hard to control and may lead to stalking, homicide, suicide or depression.” According to Arthur Aron, professor of social and health psychology at Stony Brook, “Extreme behaviors are associated with any intense desire.”
“Research has found that people intensely in love often feel that if only the other person loved them in return, life would be perfect. Given what people will do for wealth or power … it is not surprising when people feel such an important central desire is being thwarted, they will do extreme things.”
Researchers conclude that time is the best healer. Over time, the link to the part of the brain associated with attachment becomes less active over time. http://www.aolhealth.com/2010/07/23/researchers-identify-why-breaking-up-is-hard-to-do/?icid=main|htmlws-main-n|dl3|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aolhealth.com%2F2010%2F0
If you, or someone you know, is caught in this type of painful breakup, be gentle, compassionate and continue to encourage this person to keep away from their object of desire, if possible. Over time, their intense craving and desire will begin to dissipate.
July 28th, 2010 at 4:12 am
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July 28th, 2010 at 4:37 am
Hi Dr. Erica,
How apropos! My eldest daughter is going through some tough times in this area right now. I am working at some compassion, but it is so hard to get what she doesn’t get! How can she put up with it…but she is in love!
Your post helps me to be more understanding and to realize that there is a physical component! I appreciate your wisdom!
Mentor Mama
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
July 29th, 2010 at 2:43 am
Nancy,
Thanks for sharing so openly. Glad I could help you to understand it a bit more. Being in love can create the same kind of craving as an addiction to drugs. That’s an amazing finding.
Erica
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July 28th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
you pull at my heartstrings dr erica! breaking up is the worst. even when you know it’s for the best, it still is terrible. the worst i’ve ever felt is during a break-up–my heart actually aches.
but what you said about time being the best healer is the only consolation when you’re going through it. (and, of course, meeting someone else that’s waaaaay better!)
Melissa McCloud recently posted..Broke Waitress Becomes Millionaire- Emmy-Winner- Oprah’s BFF
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
July 28th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Melissa, It’s true that time does heal wounds but you are so right. The best way to heal is to meet someone new, hopefully better, but someone who also tugs at your heartstrings.
Erica
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July 29th, 2010 at 11:39 pm
This is really interesting. I have a friend whose husband stalked her after they got divorced. I never really understood why he couldn’t let go.
Melodie Kantner recently posted..Two Daily Actions Will Help Put Your Business in Motion
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
Melodie, Thanks for sharing. The brain in love, especially after rejection, is flooded with hormones and looks similar to the brain of an addict. Isn’t that an amazing discovery?
Erica
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July 30th, 2010 at 4:25 am
I ended up in a hospital after a guy broke my heart about 10 years ago. I promised myself it could and would never happen again. It happens when you let your heart rule your head. I knew there was a possibilty he would go back to his wife, but I didn’t want to accept reality. I loved too much and was obsessed. Now I am in a good place and feel totally content with my new man. Being crazy about someone in my opinion doesn’t mean you love them. It’s like an addiction, you don’t love drugs you just need a fix. My relationship is soothing, quiet and mellow, much less dangerous then the heart renching, blood pumping,craziness, cant eat, cant sleep kind. Yet, I am in love and it feels real
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 11:12 pm
Yeah, The good thing is that you have lived long enough to experience both types of love and to recognize the difference.
That sense of addictive love, that “high” feeling can last a long time in an abusive relationship because of the ups and downs and unpredictability.
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July 30th, 2010 at 8:52 pm
Dr. Erica great post.
You are spot on with your analysis. Breaking up is tough and most feel a sense of loss and grief.
After breaking up, they can move up or down in the emotional scale of Apathy, Grief, Fear, Lust, Anger, Pride then they will take ownership and be free to experience Courage, Acceptance, and ultimately Peace.
There are two reasons why relationships are unsustainable: 1) Negative anchors 2) Long term values and common interests not aligned.
It comes down to associating as much or more pain in breaking up than staying together. Once you associate more pain from staying together and more pleasure in meeting all their needs of certainty, variety, significance, and love and connection at a higher level, transformation becomes easy.
Until that point, there will be a part of you that wants to and a part that doesn’t.
Dr. Erica, thank you. People deserve to give themselves the gift of your work.
To Your Genius,
Eiji Morishita
Genius Squared Trainings
Eiji Morishita recently posted..How to Be Productive in 2 Hours a Day
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
July 30th, 2010 at 11:09 pm
Eiji,
Your insight and understanding is deep. People also need to avail themselves of your work. Thanks for sharing your insight. Oh those negative anchors….
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July 30th, 2010 at 11:53 pm
Wow Dr. Erica,
I truly did not know that we are addicted to love. That is very profound knowledge. It certainly explains the phrase, love is blind, doesn’t it? Thanks for sharing.
Debbie Stevens recently posted..Diamond in the Rough
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 2:28 am
For the first module of the 3 week AMP Up Your Relationship, I have gathered research about all the hormones that are stimulated by love. It’s amazing how influenced we are by all these hormones – and then how the brain is affected. Love is quite powerful.
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September 14th, 2010 at 2:25 am
Breaking up is hard to do, I just broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. She is suffering from depression, everything was so awesome with us until she fell into depression. I think the more i tried to get close to her, the more she pushed me away, until finally I broke up with her, it just seemed like there was nothing I could do to help her.
Michael Simms recently posted..edward wrote a new blog post- Recovered Surprise
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September 15th, 2010 at 1:54 am
Michael, Sometimes there IS nothing you can do to help at the moment except to hold that person in your thoughts, sending positive healing thoughts. Energy is power. Thoughts have energy. Therefore thoughts have power. The roots of depression can be comples, involving sense of self, memories of past events, current conflicts, etc., all stirring in the mind creating intrusive, repetitive thoughts. Hold on to your memories of the awesome times together and allow her the space to heal.
Warmly,
Erica
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