Many marriages start with high hopes, passion and dreams of a fulfilling life together. But so many people are unprepared emotionally and financially for the struggles, frustrations and disappointments that inevitably follow when the honeymoon period ends. Continue reading
Although the focus and intention of my life’s work is to remind people every day about the power of love, intention, communication, forgiveness, and all the good stuff that helps people to fall in love and creating lasting loving relationships. But life often interferes and factors, often beyond our control, may cause our relationship to be fraught with tension, anger, hostility, even rage. Some cultures more easily allow dissatisfied couples to split up. This infographic shows Marriage and Divorce statistics, but it does not reveal the level of intimacy, loving interactions and joy of those who do remain married or of those who remain single and choose not to marry. TheDivorceCompany.ca Continue reading
My web site and my life’s work are all about creating, healing and sustaining love for the rest of your life – and even beyond. But there is an unfortunate fact that must be faced. Some relationships are not meant to last. Perhaps there was a purpose for the initial connection. Maybe the attraction was intense and the romance was strong. And then life events, experiences, other people, new attitudes and behaviors – something – interfered with the initial love feelings. Sometimes two people, even those with the most honorable values and loving hearts eventually decide to split up. If married, they may choose to divorce. This brings a host of emotional ups and downs for the partners whose relationship is ending. But for their children, innocent victims of the parents’ life choices, being caught in the middle of divorcing parents can be devastating and result in lifelong issues.
For this reason, I have chosen to post a guest blog about this important topic.
“Getting through a divorce can be challenging, but it becomes even more strenuous when there are children involved. Although parents deal with plenty of emotional and mental turmoil in most cases, children often need additional comfort and guidance to properly deal with the emotions they are feeling. Knowing how to talk to your children when you get a divorce can help with coping, releasing emotions and getting to know how your kids truly feel about the situation.
Assess the Circumstances
Before you can begin talking to your children about the divorce you are facing, it is absolutely necessary to assess the circumstances and the current family dynamic within the home. Whether you are amicably splitting from your spouse or if there has been physical and verbal abuse leading to the separation, it is important to note these circumstances before you sit down to speak to your children individually. Consider your children and their ages as well as their relationships with both you and your current spouse. Understanding the dynamic of all relationships within the home will help you create a plan that is right for your entire family.
Be Sure to Include Your Former Spouse
Although it may be challenging or nearly impossible, it is vital to include your spouse with your children and with the future planning for your current family. It is essential to have both parents available for support during the process, as it can often drag on for months or longer depending on when you have chosen to get divorced and the age of your children.
Talking openly and honestly with your spouse is key to coming up with talking points and to determine the best course of action when it comes time to tell the children. Consider everything you want to say to your children, and be sure to talk it over with your spouse before you begin speaking one on one or holding a family meeting.
Consider Your Children and Their Personalities
It is also important to consider each one of your children’s personalities individually. Each child in a family household is likely to react to the divorce differently, some acting out and others acting as if they are relieved to see the turmoil end. It is important to take note of how your children behaved during arguments and other issues you and your spouse may have experienced with one another in the past and/or in front of the children.
Talk One on One
Talking one on one with each of your children is highly recommended to avoid bombarding all of them at once with the information and news about the divorce. Speaking with your oldest child can help to ensure you are giving him a more mature, nuanced approach.
Be sure to inform each one of your children that the divorce is not a reflection of them or any behavior they may have exhibited. It is also important to reassure each one of your children one on one that you and your spouse still love them, and that this does not change the relationship they have with each of you.
Have a Family Sit-Down
Have a family sit-down with all of your children and your spouse. Hosting a family meeting can help clear the air and show your children the family unit as a whole is still available for the support they will need going forward. You and your spouse should know what you want to say and how you want to announce the divorce. Discuss ahead of time who will speak first and how the issue will be brought up to the kids.
Sitting down with the entire family is also a way for you to get your children more involved in the conversation rather than having them shut down emotionally. Some children may respond with apathy, others with rage or sadness. Preparing yourself for how your children may react can help you come up with various methods of diffusing the situation based on each one of your children’s personalities.
Although divorces are extremely emotionally painful, it is possible to navigate the minefield. The more openly you communicate with your children and how the divorce is affecting them during all stages of the process, the more likely you are to effectively help them cope during this traumatic time.”
Here’s to living your life in love and creating peaceful, wonderful relationships.
Marriage can be the most wonderful life experience. Two people aligned with similar goals and dreams committed to spending a lifetime together. For some lucky couples, life together works better than either of their lives alone. And then there are the majority of people who suffer in the state of marriage. At least 50% choose to divorce and yet a large percentage of those who remain together are not creating marital bliss. When I received an email with a link to this article I thought this could be helpful and provide some insight for my readers who want to stay and build a beautiful, loving marriage. Find out why people tend to divorce - and then do what it takes to prevent that from happening, if you can, and - if staying married is more important to you than leaving.
Guest Post from Nanny.net
“Very few people get married with the intention of getting divorced. The U.S. Census Bureau and research think tanks such as the Barna Group have revealed some sobering statistics and findings on the subject, though. Overall, the divorce rate is almost at 50%. The news on the divorce front is not exactly good, but better news is that where children are involved the rate of divorce is 40% lower than those couples without children. Still the statistics can’t reflect the devastation that takes place for children of divorce.
There are several factors that affect the divorce rates. For example, the rates are considerably higher for young, low income families than they are older, college educated, middle class couples. Those who marry and have children right out of high school are at greater risk of divorce than couples who finish college, have decent wage jobs and wait until their mid to late twenties or older to wed. Professionals like Dr. William Doherty of the University of Minnesota have researched the issue of divorce, and have found interesting results. Time and again, papers citing reasons for divorce show similar causes. Parents give various explanations for ending their commitment to each other, and by default, their commitment to an intact family. Dr. Doherty maintains that, in most cases, the things that are pulling families apart can be dealt with and divorce may be prevented. Here are the most popular reasons for marriages ending in divorce.
- Communication Issues – Many couples cite communication, or the lack of it, as a big factor in separation More women indicate this as a major influence than men. Parenting practices, money, religion and other important aspects of marriage are the concerns that need to be discussed, but often get ignored to the detriment of the relationship.
- Incompatibility – This is often rooted in the non-communication issue. People will get married and only after time has passed realize that they don’t have as much in common as they originally believed. Over time, the issues that arise out of this lack of common ground cause the marriage to fail.
- Financial Difficulty – The struggling economy has put a strain on most relationships, however some couples have additional stressors, such as one spouse being too free with money or keeping a very tight rein on the purse strings. When partners can’t agree on how the money should be handled, problems ensue.
- Personal Problems – Everyone has personal issues of one sort or another that need to be dealt with for the good of the individual. Serious damage to the relationship can be caused when a spouse’s personal problems begin to spill over and affect the marriage negatively.
- Lack of Attentiveness – A new baby, illness, work and other dynamics can play into the situation in which one or both partners feel that they’re being largely ignored. Unfortunately, too many couples fail to talk about the conflict or seek help. In each case, there are things that can be done and there is help available to mitigate the problem
- Growing Apart – When people marry young and certain stressors hit the marriage, one spouse may grow in maturity at a faster rate than the other. Some people get married not realizing that their view of marriage is more akin to playing house than accepting the role of responsible adults. When one spouse comes to that reality before another, problems can often arise.
- Intimacy Issues – Intimacy problems can have many root causes. A spouse with unresolved issues from the past could have intimacy issues. Illness may be a factor affecting intimacy, or intimacy may be lacking simply because a spouse has a fear of intimacy.
- Addictions – Living with a spouse who is dealing with an addiction is very difficult, and the problems only escalate when treatment is not pursued. Drugs and alcohol can have devastating effects on family life. Other addictions such as gambling, shopping and pornography are just as capable of ripping a family apart at the seams.
- Infidelity – Break-ups due to infidelity rank among the most difficult to deal with. When one partner chooses to go outside the marriage for intimacy, the impact strikes right to the core of the relationship. Trust is broken and the damage is often irreparable, with divorce sometimes feeling like the only feasible option.
- Selfishness – This shows up in a variety of forms. It can take the form of never including the desires of the other person in decision making, or forcing every issue to be about one party while the other is ignored. Marriage is supposed to be a coming together of two people, but when one dominates the relationship to the near exclusion of the other’s thoughts and desires, cracks begin to form in the union.
It’s important to remember that with help, including counseling or therapy, most of the issues that lead to divorce can be overcome and many couples who seek help to preserve the marriage often come through the hard times with a relationship that’s stronger and more fulfilling than ever.”
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Here’s to living your life in love.
Spring is here. Love is in the air. Romance is blooming. Couples are meeting, smiling, holding hands and loving each other.
Unless … they feel as if they’ve had enough, they’re angry, they’re bored, they’ve lost interest, they feel betrayed, or they just want a change. Divorce is not my favorite topic. When I work with couples, my goal is always to help them re-evaluate the relationship, strengthen their own inner love, and share that love with each other. Very often, a minor shift in attitude and perspective can help two people get back to feeling the love they once felt for each other. And sometimes, one or both partners have given up and have decided to end the marriage.
A while back, I wrote a blog to help you think about how you really feel and some of the choices available to you. Separation or Divorce – Which is Right for YOU?
This week I received a link to an article that offers some of the nitty gritty facts you might need to know, all in one place, to help you decide how to proceed if you are seriously considering separation and divorce. 20 of the Best Blogs to Read before Filing for Divorce
However, before you leap into the unknown and regret your decision, please consider spending a few sessions in counseling. You have invested time, money, love and your commitment to share your life with this one other person. Isn’t your relationship and your investment worth spending a little more time to get clear about what you both feel, what you both need, and how to proceed in the best way possible?
Heal Through Love NOW. DON’T WAIT.
Recently I read a wonderful article in Boomer Plugged In, an online magazine for and about baby boomers. But this article applies to everyone, at any age. Many of the couples I see in counseling or that I meet at events and elsewhere are struggling to stay connected. Often each one feels secretly that they somehow got the raw end of the deal and that there is probably somebody out there much more suited to their emotional, physical and romantic needs. Shela Dean corroborates what I have been saying for a long time. Love heals. But we have to focus our love in the right direction.
Here is an excerpt from this article with a unique twist about marriage and divorce.
The Divorce Myth by Guest Blogger Shela Dean
The findings of a 2002 study by the Institute for American Values showed that (1) divorce does not typically make adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage, and (b) 66% of unhappily married adults who avoided divorce were happily married five years later whether the marriage was of middling quality or had serious problems. Only 20% had divorced and happily remarried in the same time period. In short, you’re more likely to end up happily married to the spouse you have than if you divorce.
Have you ever cheated on your most intimate partner? If not, you may feel quite smug and judgemental when you hear about someone else’s indiscretions. He who lives in a glass house should not throw the first stone.
Many of us are loyal to our intimate partner because we have made a joint commitment to love and honor each other.
But what happens when your partner does not live up to this agreement? What happens when you have financial constraints, emotional upsets, children you adore, sexual and sensual neglect, business that is being sabotaged and the sense that you are entering a war zone in your home?
For someone who is not living in an emotionally devastating situation, it is easy to feel self-righteous and judgemental about someone who does not appear to be doing the “right thing.” But we cannot presume to know why. Perhaps that person did not have a role model of loving, loyal parents. Perhaps that person has been emotionally injured in a deep way by the partner and is fighting to gain back his or her self-esteem. Sometimes, it is just that the person is immature, self-centered and does not fathom the ultimate emotional consequences of cheating.
Now, I want to ask YOU a more personal question. Have YOU ever cheated in a relationship, in education, in business or with yourself?
- Have you ever promised much more than you delivered?
- Have you ever told little lies so the other person would not be upset?
- Have you ever applied for a new job while being paid by an employer?
- Have you ever neglected your own needs to please someone else?
When we choose to cheat, in whatever form it takes, we are usually just cheating our own self. If we sneak outside of our intimate relationship to find emotional or sexual connection, we are ultimately cheating our self of intimacy. Extramarital sexual encounters, no matter how exquisite they may feel in the moment, are NOT intimate. Until we are 100% committed to being with another person, day in and day out, we do not have any idea about how that relationship will play out. It is the day to day living, the emotional ups and downs, and the projections of our family scenarios onto our partner that gradually build to secure, intimate bonding.
If you are having difficulty, if you or your partner is hiding something important, if you or your partner is flirting or getting involved with someone outside the relationship, please contact me. I can help. DrEricaWellness.com
Please share your thoughts and insights and personal perspective below.
Just to explain further, my article topics are diverse, ranging from healing your body, healthy diet and nutrition, creating loving relationships, success, best counseling practices, healthy aging and many other topics related to health and/or relationships. However, one specific article seems to always be at the very top. The leading online marketers continually remind us to learn from our market, to let our market tell us what they want. So, I am finally listening.
The article that has received the most views of all the articles I have written is entitled: Healing Your Relationship After Cheating is Discovered.
Cheating and infidelity are not my favorite topics to focus on, to research or to talk about. But I must admit, especially since the advent of social media and particularly Facebook, cheating has entered the forefront of my clients’ presenting complaints. One partner has somehow discovered the other person’s indiscretion, flirtation and emotional or sexual connection with the potential for an extra-marital or extra-relationship affair.
Have YOU experienced infidelity in any of your relationships, past or present? Were the suspicions of your partner or yourself accurate? In your opinion, what factors do you believe might have precipitated the indiscretion and cheating behavior?
In my next post, I’ll talk about what I believe are some of the factors leaving the door open to the possibility of cheating.
You can read more of my articles at ezinearticles.com.
Why Do People Cheat In Relationships?
If you are struggling with some relationship concerns, infidelity, cheating or other issues, get my free Relationship Success report or schedule an appointment.
Cuddling may be more important to men then it is to women in determining the satisfaction of long term relationships. Do you believe that? Read what one recent research study discovered.
Cuddling Brings Long Term Relationship Joy
Elizabeth Edwards stood by her husband during both of his campaign attempts to secure a position in the White House. During the last few days of his vice presidential campaign, she received the dreaded diagnosis of breast cancer. Elizabeth supported her husband’s next bid for office despite her ailing body but he lost the Democratic nomination to Barack Obama.
When she knew her end was near, (it was reported that the cancer had spread to her liver this past Monday), she wrote a note on Facebook explaining, she has “been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope.” She goes on to say “the days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered.” And then she adds, “It isn’t possible to put into words the love and gratitude I feel towards everyone who has and continues to support and inspire me every day.”
Are you appreciating your family, friends and harboring a sense of hope, resilience and gratitude? If not, what is stopping you?
Elizabeth Edwards has certainly endured her own share of suffering. Her beloved husband, the man she stood by and encouraged for so many years, fathered a child with another woman. It doesn’t get much more painful than that. And then she had to stand proud, facing the press and all those embarrassing and humiliating questions and comments.
Elizabeth Edwards showed her elegance through a quality of enduring strength, resilience and forgiveness. In her final hours, she shared those moments with her husband, John Edwards, her three children, her sibling and some friends. She apparently had found the strength within to forgive her husband for his indiscretions and to include him in her final moments of love.
When someone we love is dying, all we can feel is the love that has always been present. Her strength and resilience is an inspiration to all of us. Find a way to feel the love NOW!
Call me. Schedule a private phone session, even the same day. Don’t struggle with hurt and upset feelings all alone. I can help.
Go to http://www.DrEricaWellness.com, Appointment Request, describe your current situation and tell me when you would like an appointment. My regular fees apply.