Marriage and Divorce Stats Around the World

Although the focus and intention of my life’s work is to remind people every day about the power of love, intention, communication, forgiveness, and all the good stuff that helps people to fall in love and creating lasting loving relationships.  But life often interferes and factors, often beyond our control, may cause our relationship to be fraught with tension, anger, hostility, even rage.  Some cultures more easily allow dissatisfied couples to split up.  This infographic shows Marriage and Divorce statistics, but it does not reveal the level of intimacy, loving interactions and joy of those who do remain married or of those who remain single and choose not to marry.  TheDivorceCompany.ca  Continue reading

The Top Ten Reasons Parents Get Divorced – Guest Post

Marriage can be the most wonderful life experience.  
Two people aligned with similar goals and dreams 
committed to spending a lifetime together. For some 
lucky couples, life together works better than either 
of their lives alone.  And then there are the majority 
of people who suffer in the state of marriage.  At 
least 50% choose to divorce and yet a large percentage 
of those who remain together are not creating marital 
bliss.  

When I received an email with a link to this 
article I thought this could be helpful and provide 
some insight for my readers who want to stay and 
build a beautiful, loving marriage.  Find out why 
people tend to divorce - and then do what it takes 
to prevent that from happening, if you can, and -
if staying married is more important to you than 
leaving.

The Top Ten Reasons Parents Get Divorced

Guest Post from Nanny.net


“Very few people get married with the intention of getting divorced. The U.S. Census Bureau and research think tanks such as the Barna Group have revealed some sobering statistics and findings on the subject, though. Overall, the divorce rate is almost at 50%. The news on the divorce front is not exactly good, but better news is that where children are involved the rate of divorce is 40% lower than those couples without children. Still the statistics can’t reflect the devastation that takes place for children of divorce.  parentsdivorce

There are several factors that affect the divorce rates. For example, the rates are considerably higher for young, low income families than they are older, college educated, middle class couples. Those who marry and have children right out of high school are at greater risk of divorce than couples who finish college, have decent wage jobs and wait until their mid to late twenties or older to wed. Professionals like Dr. William Doherty of the University of Minnesota have researched the issue of divorce, and have found interesting results. Time and again, papers citing reasons for divorce show similar causes. Parents give various explanations for ending their commitment to each other, and by default, their commitment to an intact family. Dr. Doherty maintains that, in most cases, the things that are pulling families apart can be dealt with and divorce may be prevented. Here are the most popular reasons for marriages ending in divorce.

  • Communication Issues – Many couples cite communication, or the lack of it, as a big factor in separation More women indicate this as a major influence than men. Parenting practices, money, religion and other important aspects of marriage are the concerns that need to be discussed, but often get ignored to the detriment of the relationship.
  • Incompatibility – This is often rooted in the non-communication issue. People will get married and only after time has passed realize that they don’t have as much in common as they originally believed. Over time, the issues that arise out of this lack of common ground cause the marriage to fail.
  • Financial Difficulty – The struggling economy has put a strain on most relationships, however some couples have additional stressors, such as one spouse being too free with money or keeping a very tight rein on the purse strings. When partners can’t agree on how the money should be handled, problems ensue.
  • Personal Problems – Everyone has personal issues of one sort or another that need to be dealt with for the good of the individual. Serious damage to the relationship can be caused when a spouse’s personal problems begin to spill over and affect the marriage negatively.
  • Lack of Attentiveness – A new baby, illness, work and other dynamics can play into the situation in which one or both partners feel that they’re being largely ignored. Unfortunately, too many couples fail to talk about the conflict or seek help. In each case, there are things that can be done and there is help available to mitigate the problem
  • Growing Apart – When people marry young and certain stressors hit the marriage, one spouse may grow in maturity at a faster rate than the other. Some people get married not realizing that their view of marriage is more akin to playing house than accepting the role of responsible adults. When one spouse comes to that reality before another, problems can often arise.
  • Intimacy Issues – Intimacy problems can have many root causes. A spouse with unresolved issues from the past could have intimacy issues. Illness may be a factor affecting intimacy, or intimacy may be lacking simply because a spouse has a fear of intimacy.
  • Addictions – Living with a spouse who is dealing with an addiction is very difficult, and the problems only escalate when treatment is not pursued. Drugs and alcohol can have devastating effects on family life. Other addictions such as gambling, shopping and pornography are just as capable of ripping a family apart at the seams.
  • Infidelity – Break-ups due to infidelity rank among the most difficult to deal with. When one partner chooses to go outside the marriage for intimacy, the impact strikes right to the core of the relationship. Trust is broken and the damage is often irreparable, with divorce sometimes feeling like the only feasible option.
  • Selfishness – This shows up in a variety of forms. It can take the form of never including the desires of the other person in decision making, or forcing every issue to be about one party while the other is ignored. Marriage is supposed to be a coming together of two people, but when one dominates the relationship to the near exclusion of the other’s thoughts and desires, cracks begin to form in the union.

It’s important to remember that with help, including counseling or therapy, most of the issues that lead to divorce can be overcome and many couples who seek help to preserve the marriage often come through the hard times with a relationship that’s stronger and more fulfilling than ever.”

 

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Here’s to living your life in love.

Warmly,

9f82

 

Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 30 – FLOW

Love in the Blizzard of Life - Creativity

I have discovered, for myself, that taking on a challenge gets my psychic and physical energy flowing and aligned. In other words, it puts me into the FLOW.  After 30 days of writing blog posts daily, I want to leave you with the most important aspect of any activity in your life.  If you are operating within this system, everything else seems to fall into place.  When you are in the FLOW, life is beautiful, every moment is an adventure to cherish, and every person is a symbol of God’s love.

Young children naturally function within the FLOW of their everyday activities.  When they get involved in an activity, they are totally present until something distracts them and then they become totally involved in a new activity.  When we are in the FLOW, time moves slowly and we are not impatient.  When we are in the FLOW of love, we are happy to allow the love to build, we enjoy the nuances of our shared experience and we express all those other wonderful qualities I have been talking about for 29 days.  When we are in relationship FLOW, each of us feels accepted, understood, appreciated, acknowledged, trusted and desired.  There is no craving or longing for something outside the relationship because we are able to express our full self and feel all of our feelings.

You may have a strong INCENTIVE, INTENTION,  PRESENT MOMENT awareness, DRIVE,  inner ARCHITECT,  PATIENCE, ability to SURRENDER,  COMMITMENT, TRUST, DISCERNMENT, PASSION, DESIRE,  CREATIVITY,  SENSUALITY, SEXUAL EXPRESSION, COMPASSION, and  COMMUNICATION. You PRACTICE relationships skills, you balance TOGETHERNESS and AUTONOMY,  your SENSITIVITY. UNDERSTANDING, RECEPTIVITY, FORGIVENESS, ACCEPTANCE, and EMPATHY may be flourishing.  You may know the PURPOSE for your relationship and your life MISSION. You may even have a sense of MASTERY of your relationships and your life.  If you have developed all of the above skills to an adequate (not perfect) level, then you will easily and often find yourself living in the FLOW, loving your life and loving your relationships.

Today’s question is:  How often and how easily do you find yourself living and loving in the FLOW?

  • Are you able to roll with the punches, take the path of least resistance, and enjoy drifting along within your relationships?
  • Can you set the course, ask for what you want, encourage others to express their needs and then creatively rise above the tide?
  • When you feel a surge of fear, discomfort, emotional uncertainty, disappointment even boredom, can you stay the course, ride the wave, and continue to more forward within your relationships?

Ask yourself NOW: Can I stay in the FLOW when I encounter the ups and downs and ins and outs of loving relationships in my life?

Being in the FLOW is what allows works of art to be created.  Being in the FLOW leads to marriage, business development, and success at all levels of human being.  Relationships are a work of art in progress.  The instrument through which we create this masterpiece is LOVE.   With interest, determination, study and practice we CAN develop all the necessary skills and emotional overtones to build exquisite relationships filled with love.  Are YOU ready to develop MASTERY and get into the FLOW?

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Dr. Erica

 

 

 

 

 

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Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 22 – UNDERSTANDING

Love in the Blizzard of Life - Creativity

UNDERSTANDING surpasses many qualities in life.  With a deep UNDERSTANDING of the complexities of a situation, the different meaning attributed to the same circumstances by the different people involved, we can overcome even the most seemingly impossible difficulties.

I remember a story about a Black preacher sharing a TV appearance with a staunch Ku Klux Klan member and by the end of the show they were shaking hands and liking each other.  The preacher had such a profound and comprehensive understanding that surpassed the lower level of prejudice between them.  Today I attended the Florida Marriage and Family Therapy State Conference.  A chaplain serving in the U.S. military shared a story about his response as a  “trained soldier” to his daughter’s unwillingness to do what he asked her to do.   That situation required a profound understanding by his wife about the way he had been taught to respond as a soldier. In his words he said.  “First I insist.  Then I assist.”  In other words, he asks once and if the person does not do what was asked, he forces the issue because his goal is to protect that person.  With ongoing and open communication, he and his wife and his child were able to “understand” each other and return to love.

So in your life, you may now have INCENTIVE, INTENTION,  PRESENT MOMENT awareness, DRIVE,  inner ARCHITECT,  PATIENCE, ability to SURRENDER,  COMMITMENT, TRUST, DISCERNMENT, PASSION, DESIRE,  CREATIVITY,  SENSUALITY, full SEXUAL EXPRESSION, COMPASSION,  good COMMUNICATION, PRACTICE building relationships skills, a healthy balance between TOGETHERNESS and AUTONOMY  and SENSITIVITY when you feel at least some of the above qualities in the other person.  But what happens when their response seems to be “crazy” or coming from left field.  How much UNDERSTANDING can you apply to the situation at hand?

Today’s question is:  Do you have a deep and comprehensive UNDERSTANDING about the way YOU think and feel, the way OTHERS think and respond, the way the WORLD words and the way RELATIONSHIPS develop?

  • Are you able to fully embrace a completely different point of view, perspective or style of handling situations with your spouse, business associate or others?
  • Can you remain kind, supportive, considerate, empathic and even indulgent when another person’s response does not yet make sense to you?
  • How perceptive, aware, thoughtful, kind and compassionate are you in situations and relationships that are difficult to comprehend, interpret or settle harmoniously?

Ask yourself NOW: How much informed, reasoned and studied UNDERSTANDING do you bring to the complex, confusing, upsetting and disharmonious situations and relationships in your life?

When I took the EST Training with Werner Erhard many, many years ago, he used to say repeatedly:  “Understanding is the booby prize.”  In his way of thinking, UNDERSTANDING is an intellectual activity and bypasses the emotions.  In my experience over a few decades with thousands of clients, without UNDERSTANDING there is often lots of emotion, lots of expressed negative emotion, and lots of resistance and emotional pain.  With deep and respectful and abiding UNDERSTANDING, forgiveness becomes possible, love surpasses self-interest, and relationships can flourish.

Relationships are built upon the complexity and interactions among all the different possible qualities, both positive and negative, that we can bring.  Every quality is important, to some degree.  It is really the balance among all the different possibilities that can lead to joy and happiness or sadness and emotional devastation.

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Warmly,

Dr. Erica

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 19 – TOGETHERNESS

Love in the Blizzard of Life - Creativity

TOGETHERNESS, spending quality time together, with a friend, a business associate, a family member or an intimate partner can help you to develop so many of the qualities talked about in these blogs. But each of us has our own style of closeness.  Some of us want, desire and long for continual physical closeness while others prefer to have more private, alone time.  This can become a conflict if each person in the relationship has a different concept of how much TOGETHERNESS is best.

If you both have a strong INCENTIVE, INTENTION,  PRESENT MOMENT awareness, DRIVE,  inner ARCHITECT,  PATIENCE, ability to SURRENDER,  COMMITMENT, TRUST, DISCERNMENT, PASSION, DESIRE,  CREATIVITY,  SENSUALITY, full SEXUAL EXPRESSION, COMPASSION,  good COMMUNICATION  and you PRACTICE building relationships skills, but one of you requires distance and the other insists on continual TOGETHERNESS, the relationship may require really using those developed skills to get past the inevitable conflict.

Today’s question is:  How much TOGETHERNESS do you like, need and require in your personal and business relationships?

  • How often do you need to speak with, spend time physically together, and plan activities with another person to feel loved and content?
  • Do you feel that you need another person to go with you to restaurants, movies or any other places you desire to go?
  • Do you get very attached, expect others to be devoted to you, and do you become angry, jealous and possessive over another person’s activities and friendships?

Ask yourself NOW: Am I willing to adapt to the another person’s need for TOGETHERNESS or distance or can I negotiate cleanly for the amount of TOGETHERNESS that serves us both?

TOGETHERNESS is an essential part of developing an ongoing relationship.  Too much separateness, too much distance, often leads to creating connections, emotional ties and even physical contact with someone else.

Relationships are built upon the complexity and interactions among all the different possible qualities, both positive and negative, that we can bring.  Every quality is important, to some degree.  It is really the balance among all the different possibilities that can lead to joy and happiness or sadness and emotional devastation.

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Warmly,

Dr. Erica

 

 

 

 

 

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Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 17 – COMMUNICATION

Love in the Blizzard of Life - Creativity

COMMUNICATION, the Big C, can literally make or break a relationship.  Our thoughts cannot easily be read by others, even though they feel and respond to the energy we are emanating based upon our thoughts and feelings.  But each person interprets energy and internal sensations  according to their own concepts and beliefs.  That is why meeting a new person can be so exciting and unnerving, because we do not know what they are thinking and feeling.  We only know the way our own body is responding and we know our own self-created version of what another person may be experiencing.

Are you able to easily and consistently share COMMUNICATION that expresses what you currently think and feel and at the same time encourages and enables full disclosure and cooperation from others?

You may now have the INCENTIVE, INTENTION,  PRESENT MOMENT awareness, DRIVE,  inner ARCHITECT,  PATIENCE, ability to SURRENDER,  COMMITMENT, TRUST, DISCERNMENT, PASSION, DESIRE,  CREATIVITY,  SENSUALITY, and even your full SEXUAL EXPRESSION and COMPASSION for others. But how good is your COMMUNICATION when any one of these attributes within yourself or another person is being challenged, frustrated, suppressed or denied?

Today’s question is:  Can you engage in consistent, ongoing and clear COMMUNICATION  that allows you to fully express your wants and needs and desires and at the same time encourages and supports the full expression of the expectations and requirements of others?  And can you remain in a calm, loving and peaceful state of mind when hearing words you do not want to hear?

  • How clearly and precisely do you share your thoughts and emotions, concerns and acknowledgements with others?
  • Are your interactions more like consultation, dialogue and free exchange of ideas or monologues during which you are persuading, convincing, and even demanding your per-determined responses from others?
  • Do you show others that you are interested in them and that you by responding quickly to their COMMUNICATION attempts and by reaching out often to connect with them?

Ask yourself NOW: Does my COMMUNICATION with others indicate that I am concerned, interested and caring about them or do i tend to communicate when I expect to receive something or get my own needs met?

COMMUNICATION is occurring all the time.  We cannot NOT communicate.  If we do not send a text, make a phone call or connect in some3 way with another person who is expecting to hear from us, then we are communicating that we do not care that much.  If we do not share our needs and desires with the people we live with, work with or spend time with, we are communicating to them that either we don’t have those needs and desires or satisfying them does not matter that much to us.

COMMUNICATION of our wants and needs, intentions and plans, and overall values in life CAN cause us to lose friendships, perhaps lose a job, a client or a customer, but without communicating we begin to lose a sense of our own self.  Without communicating, we suppress our own integrity, motivation and determination to follow our dreams.

Relationships are built upon the complexity and interactions among all the different possible qualities, both positive and negative, that we can bring.  Every quality is important, to some degree.  It is really the balance among all the different possibilities that can lead to joy and happiness or sadness and emotional devastation.

PLEASE JOIN MY RELATIONSHIP HEALING MASTERMIND COMMUNITY AT GOOGLEPLUS.

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Warmly,

Dr. Erica

 

 

 

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Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 15 – SEXUAL EXPRESSION

Love in the Blizzard of Life - Creativity

All living beings have a sexual nature that is expressed differently for each species and even among different members of the same species.  This is especially true for humans.  The way we express our sexuality is a metaphor for the way we are living our life and it reveals to us our deepest natural desires.  When our sexual hormones are flowing, we strive to connect with others who match our particular concepts of what is attractive and appealing.  As we develop a long term relationship with one person, even if that person made us hot and jealous and possessive in the early days, the excitement tends to dissipate and we start to look at this very real person in front of us.  Often we are not as thrilled as we once were, especially other people we are not that close to appear to have more exciting and sexy qualities.

Can SEXUAL EXPRESSION continue to thrive in a long term intimate relationship with one and the same person for many years?

You may have had your ups and downs and have managed to maintain a strong INCENTIVE, INTENTION,  PRESENT MOMENT awareness, DRIVE,  inner ARCHITECT,  PATIENCE,ability to SURRENDER,  COMMITMENT, TRUST, DISCERNMENT, PASSION, DESIRE,  CREATIVITY, even  SENSUALITY your body may interfere with your mind’s good intentions and basic values.  However, if your SEXUAL EXPRESSION is not authentic, truly expressing your deepest longing and desires, then there is a part of you that you are witholding from your relationship and your life.

Today’s question is:  Can you reveal your most intimate and personal SEXUAL EXPRESSION with a long term partner with whom you share your daily life troubles, successes, fears and joys?

  •  Is your mind flooded with imaginary scenes of bliss with your partner?
  • Are you fantasizing about other men or women while viewing your current partner as a friend or like a family member?
  • Do you find yourself most attracted to someone of a different nationality, age group, socioeconomic level, or value system, in other words, someone who does not really match your background, training, values or your level of life success?

Ask yourself NOW: Do I allow my authentic and natural SEXUAL EXPRESSION to reveal itself in my most intimate relationship or is there something I have been afraid to express and reveal?

SEXUAL EXPRESSION is often overlooked, denied, suppressed, and undervalued in an intimate relationship as the bonding, connection and interdependence grows.  When each partner feels as if they are fully expressing their sexuality, the sexual connection becomes a small and seemingly insignifcant part of the relationship.  However, when one or both partners feel as if they are suppressing something, if they feel drawn to others outside the relationship, if they are feeling emotionally stifled, then it may be time to seek counseling, specifically sexual counseling, for this very basic and important aspect of an intimate relationship.

Relationships are built upon the complexity and interactions among all the different possible qualities, both positive and negative, that we can bring.  Every quality is important, to some degree.  It is really the balance among all the different possibilities that can lead to joy and happiness or sadness and emotional devastation.

PLEASE JOIN MY RELATIONSHIP HEALING MASTERMIND COMMUNITY AT GOOGLEPLUS.

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Love in the Blizzard of Life. A Romantic Love Story stepping into the blizzard of life.  Available at Amazon.com

Warmly,

Dr. Erica

 

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Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 7 – PATIENCE

Love in the Blizzard of Life

Relationships do not immediately reach a deep level of understanding, comfort and safety to be yourself.  Even if it appears that way at first, the closeness is merely an illusion.  Over time, as you express your needs and wants and listen to the other person’s requests and demands, gradually you can reach a mutual understanding, a sense that you can let down and be yourself.

You may have a solid INCENTIVE, a real good INTENTION,  PRESENT MOMENT  awareness, a powerful DRIVE, the skill to be a relationship ARCHITECT and you may have finally been willing to SURRENDER to love.

Today’s question is:  Do you have the PATIENCE that it takes to allow love to grow?  Are you willing to study about relationships, learn what the other person wants and needs, discover and express your own needs, and allow the relationship to naturally evolve?

PATIENCE requires time. allowing whatever time is needed instead of attempting to rush the process of building a relationship.  If your goal is to improve the health of your body, it may take quite a while before you are finally eating healthy food, exercising regularly, getting adequate rest and sleep and maintianing a positive outlook.  If your goal is to build a successful business, you need to take steps and give the process time to unfold.  And if your goal is to improve your relationships, it is essential to realize that time can be a great friend.

  • Do you have the fortitude to persevere when your relationship struggles seem insurmountable?
  • Can you tolerate and endure circumstances and interactions that are unloving and even hostile on the way to building a relationship?
  • Do you have the unflappable, unswerving stamina to persist until the end, to not give up and not give in to impatience?

 

Ask yourself NOW:  Do I have the PATIENCE to allow the relationship process to build over time, knowing you are continuing to learn about yourself, learn about others, and understand what helps love and relationships to thrive?

PATIENCE is a virtue and those who have it can achieve great things in all areas of their life.  However, it is important to apply all those other qualities. It is not only YOUR drive and incentive and being in the present moment but also the other person’s drive and willingness and patience that will ultimately allow your relationship to thrive.

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Dr. Erica

 

 

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Love in the Blizzard of LIfe – Day 6 – SURRENDER

Love in the Blizzard of Life

 

Relationships are many faceted and it is impossible to be totally in control when you are involved with another person.  Each of us has a modus operandi, a way of being and behaving in the world.  And we tend to think that OUR way is the correct way, maybe even the only way, to be.

You may have the INCENTIVE to enjoy your relationship, the  INTENTION  to make it wonderful.  When things are going the way you like, you may be in the PRESENT MOMENT.  Your DRIVE may keep you struggling to stay together and you may have managed to be the ARCHITECT of an amazing relationship.  But if you are resisting, complaining, demanding, questioning, pleading or trying to change something, you have not found a way to SURRENDER to love.

Today’s question is:  Are you willing to surrender to the natural ebb and flow of love and allow the love to serve you and all of your relationships?

SURRENDER involves letting go of assumptions, personal desires, expectations and demands.  When you are willing to surrender to your relationship and allow love to lead the way, the underlying truth reveals itself.

  • Can I yield and give in to the requests and apparent needs of others?
  • Am I able to stop resisting what I dislike in another and keep looking within myself for the needed change?
  • Am I willing to lay down my defenses, turn the other cheek, and let the relationship lead the way?

 

Ask yourself NOW:  Am I willing to let go of my knee jerk reactions, let go of my personal demands and expectations and SURRENDER to the power of love to transform my relationships?

 

SURRENDER to the unique qualities, different interactions and the love that exists in all of your relationships.

 

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Warmly,

Dr. Erica

 

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Is YOUR Oxytocin Level Keeping YOU Faithful?

Are you monogamous, content and satisfied being involved with only one partner?  Or do you have an eye for other men or other women, a desire to stray or a habit of cheating?  Consider having your Oxytocin levels checked.  Studies on animals, prairie voles, have revealed the potent effect of this hormone but now a new study (cited in vitals.nbcnews.com) reveals that oxytocin may increase pair bonding in humans.

“Oxytocin keeps attached men away from hot women

 

 By MyHealthNewsDaily Staff
MyHealthNewsDaily


“The “love hormone” oxytocin may help maintain romantic relationships by prompting men to keep their distance from attractive women, a new study from Germany suggests.

 

In the study, men in monogamous relationships who were given an oxytocin nasal spray stayed about four to six inches farther away from an attractive, woman they didn’t know, compared with men in monogamous relationships who received a placebo.

 

The oxytocin spray had no effect on the distance that single men chose to keep between themselves and the attractive woman.

 

The results suggest the hormone promotes fidelity in humans, said study researcher Dr. René Hurle­mann, of the University of Bonn. The findings agree with previous research conducted on prairie voles, which suggested the hormone plays a role in pair-bonding.

 

In humans, oxytocin has been found to promote bonding between parents and children, increase trust, and reduce conflict between couples. And earlier this year, a study found that couples with high levels of oxytocin in the early stages of a relationship were more likely to be together six months later than couples with lower levels of the hormone.

 

But until now, there has been no evidence that a dose of oxytocin given after a couple gets together contributes to the maintenance of the relationship, the researchers said.

 

The study involved 57 heterosexual males, about half of whom were in monogamous relationships. After receiving either a dose of oxytocin or placebo, participants were introduced to a female experimenter who they later described as “attractive.”

 

During the encounter, the experimenter moved towards or away from the men, and they were asked to indicate when she was at an “ideal distance” away, as well as when she moved to a distance that felt “slightly uncomfortable.”

 

The effect of oxytocin on the attached men was the same regardless of whether the female experimenter maintained eye contact, or averted her gaze. Oxytocin also had no effect on the men’s attitude toward the female experimenter — whether men received the oxytocin or the placebo, they rated her as being equally attractive.

 

In a separate experiment, the researchers found oxytocin had no effect on the distance men kept between themselves and a male experimenter.

 

Future studies are needed to determine exactly how oxytocin might act on the brain to affect behavior, the researchers said.”

 

The study was published in The Journal of Neuroscience

 

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