Cheating is a Dirty Word – Beware!
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Have you ever cheated on your most intimate partner? If not, you may feel quite smug and judgemental when you hear about someone else’s indiscretions. He who lives in a glass house should not throw the first stone.
Many of us are loyal to our intimate partner because we have made a joint commitment to love and honor each other.
But what happens when your partner does not live up to this agreement? What happens when you have financial constraints, emotional upsets, children you adore, sexual and sensual neglect, business that is being sabotaged and the sense that you are entering a war zone in your home?
For someone who is not living in an emotionally devastating situation, it is easy to feel self-righteous and judgemental about someone who does not appear to be doing the “right thing.” But we cannot presume to know why. Perhaps that person did not have a role model of loving, loyal parents. Perhaps that person has been emotionally injured in a deep way by the partner and is fighting to gain back his or her self-esteem. Sometimes, it is just that the person is immature, self-centered and does not fathom the ultimate emotional consequences of cheating.
Now, I want to ask YOU a more personal question. Have YOU ever cheated in a relationship, in education, in business or with yourself?
- Have you ever promised much more than you delivered?
- Have you ever told little lies so the other person would not be upset?
- Have you ever applied for a new job while being paid by an employer?
- Have you ever neglected your own needs to please someone else?
When we choose to cheat, in whatever form it takes, we are usually just cheating our own self. If we sneak outside of our intimate relationship to find emotional or sexual connection, we are ultimately cheating our self of intimacy. Extramarital sexual encounters, no matter how exquisite they may feel in the moment, are NOT intimate. Until we are 100% committed to being with another person, day in and day out, we do not have any idea about how that relationship will play out. It is the day to day living, the emotional ups and downs, and the projections of our family scenarios onto our partner that gradually build to secure, intimate bonding.
If you are having difficulty, if you or your partner is hiding something important, if you or your partner is flirting or getting involved with someone outside the relationship, please contact me. I can help. DrEricaWellness.com
Please share your thoughts and insights and personal perspective below.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
August 20th, 2011 at 12:21 pm
Hi Erica, what a really important and thought-provoking post and you raise soemthing very important that not all of us may be aware of: ‘Cheating’ can take on so many more forms than just ‘jumping into bed with someone for a quick tryst’. I have often wondered how people define the word ‘cheating’. Is it the moment you look at someone else? Is it the moment you think about it or is it the moment you ‘do’ it.
I agree, I think withholding emotion from or refusing to be honest with either yourself or your partner, is as much, if not more ‘cheating’ than actually having an affair. I think ‘cheating’ begins mentally long before it plays out physically.
Thanks for the post and for offering to be there for couples who may need you.
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 21st, 2011 at 3:56 am
Mandy,
I don’t even like the word “cheating.” I prefer to look at it as either being authentic, being true to yourself and to others, or not. You make a good point that it begins in the mind before it plays out physically.
Erica
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August 20th, 2011 at 1:58 pm
Erica,
The cheating questions goes deeply into a person’s inner psyche. I could not consider cheating on my spouse, but have to admit that there are other areas when I’ve cheated. I occasionally speed, I’ve told little white lies and maybe not every thought is so pure.
You bring up such a personal question for each of us to review. Can we be honest with ourselves here and not cheat?
RICK
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 21st, 2011 at 3:58 am
Rick,
Thanks for being so honest here. I doubt that there is anyone who has absolutely never cheated in some way on anything or anyone, ever. But each of us has to decide for our self what fits with our sense of integrity and in what ways we are actually hurting our self.
Erica
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August 21st, 2011 at 6:49 pm
Very thought provoking … one thing I’ve learned as a ‘grown-up’ is that there are always two sides to every story. It’s liberating because it’s just so darn exhausting being judgemental
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 23rd, 2011 at 1:26 am
Marquita,
You have hit the nail on the head. The one who is found “cheating” may have been cheated out of affection, understanding, or love, way before taking an action outside of the relationship.
Erica
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August 22nd, 2011 at 5:12 pm
When we choose to cheat, in whatever form it takes, we are usually just cheating our own self.
Erica, you spoke such truth in this post. Essentially, it’s a rhetorical post that I will carry with me for a long time. As long as I am compassionately holding myself accountable, I will be able to extend grace and understanding to others who make mistakes in their own lives.
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 23rd, 2011 at 1:28 am
Steve,
You are so right. When we hold our self accountable, and forgive our self for being less than perfect in our own eyes, we are much more likely to be able to forgive and understand others’ needs that may not correspond with our own.
Erica
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August 23rd, 2011 at 3:22 pm
Well I must say that cheating on my spouse would never happen, it’s just one of those vows I made long time ago. But cheating in other ways.. has happened… I do speed ( regularly on the highway!) and I do eat chocolate when no one is watching!! I do usually think about the 2 sides of the relationship when someone does cheat and in most cases, what you have mentioned above is why it plays out. Great post, Erica.
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
August 28th, 2011 at 8:14 pm
Linnea,
If eating a piece of chocolate is cheating, then I am certainly guilty of that one. Actually, there has been recent research claiming that some chocolate is actually good for you. Not quite the same as hurting another person by betraying their trust.
Erica
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August 24th, 2011 at 12:01 am
Hi Erica,
You pose really good questions. Cheating is an absolute deal breaker in my book and yet, I have the be the first to admit that I have indeed neglected my own need in order to please someone else…often. You’ve given me much pause for thought. Thanks.
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
August 24th, 2011 at 1:37 am
Linnea,
In a great relationship, sometimes each person gives up their own needs to please the other. But that becomes a problem when it is a pattern and it is one sided. Resentment, hurt and other emotions arise. Then someone else comes along who says and does what appear to be all the right things….
Erica
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August 24th, 2011 at 6:27 pm
I have mainly cheated myself by not honoring the truth of who I really am. I still work on that all the time. When I cheat myself I cheat others out of my wisdom.
Great post. It really got me thinking. In a good way.
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 26th, 2011 at 12:35 am
Debbie,
Thanks for your honesty. I must say, I have also cheated myself by not honoring who I am and how much I have to contribute to others.
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Cheating is a Dirty Word – Beware!
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August 25th, 2011 at 3:35 pm
I would tell you that I have never sped on the highways, but that would just add to the white lie factor.
The reality is that we all cheat in various ways. We tell a friend a white lie to make them feel better. How many husbands have told their wives they look good just to buttress them up?
We must use our discretion to decide if it is better to make someone feel better or not lie. These are not always cheating, but choices.
The bigger the choice, the greater the repercussions. That is why most adults choose to be loyal spouses. In the worst moments of my marriage, I could not fathom cheating on my wife.
You have to conscientiously choose to do so.
Andy
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
August 28th, 2011 at 5:03 am
Andy,
It is a delight to hear from you and other men who, as you said, “In the worst moments of my marriage, I could not fathom cheating on my wife.” There are many, many men and women who do not think like that. They probably do not have the same depth of commitment and loyalty. Some have difficulty asserting their own needs, don’t get their needs met, and seek someone outside the relationship to help them.
Erica
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August 25th, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Great post Erica. I guess I never thought of cheating on myself or others in the way that you mentioned. But, yes I have done all of the above, except having an affair. Very thought provoking. I need to be as committed to myself as I am to others.
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
August 28th, 2011 at 5:00 am
Joanne,
You made a really good point. Many of us are not as committed to our own self as we are to others. Mothers can certainly be prone to that way of thinking.
Erica
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August 27th, 2011 at 11:39 pm
Hi Erica,
Although many will find this a bit uncomfortable to think about, it’s an important area to look at in our own lives. I like that you said that, for those who have never cheated in their marriage they can’t be so self-righteous.
Although I have never cheated on my wife, I can understand how others might be driven to it. I don’t condone it, but I understand it. None of us can know what happens in the lives of others to do what seems to us to be unspeakable things. We can’t judge, but perhaps learn about life and human behavior.
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 28th, 2011 at 4:57 am
Dr. Clarke,
It is certainly refreshing to hear from men like you who love their wives and wouldn’t even consider cheating. There are many people living in quite happy and loyal marriages. But we don’t hear about that so often. We hear much more about the unhappy marriages and the people involved in different indiscretions.
Thanks for sharing your views.
Dr. Erica
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August 29th, 2011 at 2:05 pm
Hi Erica,
Oh gosh, far be it from me to judge another… we are very complex and everything we do seems to fulfill a need somehow.
I’ve not cheated on my partner but something you said struck a chord.
“Have you ever neglected your own needs to please someone else?”
In the beginning of my relationship, many years ago, I always neglected my own needs to please him, in fact, I neglected myself for practically everyone I knew. They all came first and I ended up feeling resentful of everyone around me, I just wanted to be alone so nothing was expected of me…
Silly me because, I was always in control! As soon as I was true to myself – all of my relationships became 100′s of times better.
(Thank you to my Mum for buying me men are from mars, women are from venus!!!)
I think we have all cheated on ourselves and some point or another. I remember in a course I did to get my commercial yacht captains license, we were asked to clearly define what our definitions of right and wrong were because things like drugs are quite common.
I think it goes for the rest of life as well…
I will let a friend think she looks nice even if I don’t really think so because someone else will think she’s stunning… how can I put my taint on it? (we’re talking former anorexic here… my views are not necessarily healthy) Instead I pick out a detail I do like – there’s always something. Cheating? Maybe, but acceptable in my world.
All the best,
Emma
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 29th, 2011 at 3:28 pm
Emma,
You pointed out something really important, that once you were true to yourself “all of my relationships became 100′s of times better.” So many of us, especially women but many men as well, do not operate in a way that is true to oneself – and then they resent others. This can lead to cheating as an easy way out.
Erica
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August 29th, 2011 at 2:32 pm
What a brilliant post of yours, Erica! It is truly thought-provoking. We do all cheat on ourselves when not taking the time to take care of ourselves.
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
August 29th, 2011 at 3:30 pm
Viraq,
Imagine what a wonderful world we would have if everyone was true to their own values and needs, and were able to give and love freely without resentments and hidden agendas.
Erica
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August 31st, 2011 at 6:23 am
Cheating is basically breaking rules to gain advantage in a competitive situation. It’s not really good to cheat especially towards your partner. If you does cheat and find out by your partner, then I think you also broke your partner’s trust. And it’s very important in every relationship!!!
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
September 1st, 2011 at 2:56 am
Tony,
In my work with couples, I find that once the trust is broken if is extremely difficult to repair it, and often impossible. A little piece has been taken out of the relationship. Suspicion creeps in and crops up from time to time, sometimes for years afterwards. So much better to be up front and face the issues.
Erica
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August 31st, 2011 at 9:13 am
Great, thought-provoking post, Dr. Erica… and the responses are also very enlightening.
I would never cheat on my husband, and he never would on me… it is far beyond acceptable to us, and would be as devastating to ourselves as to the other.
And I don’t think honesty necessitates being brutal. Withholding part of the truth, when it would do more harm than good, is not necessarily a lie. But you bring up some really good points here, and so do those who have responded.
As a teenager, I had to work hard against being judgmental against my stepfather, who wasan alcoholic, and caused all kinds of problems for the whole family. He never abused us, sexually or physically, but his drinking, smoking and generosity to others left us in dire need most of the time. One day it struck me that my own problem with overeating was really no different from his alcoholism. It was still abuse of my body, and it affects my ability to function to my highest potential.
This is something I struggle with to this day, and your post has helped me to see it clearly yet again.
Willena Flewelling
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 1st, 2011 at 2:26 am
Willena,
Thanks for your honest sharing. It is wonderful to be in a relationship in which both people have strong intentions to be loyal. That gives you so much freedom to live your life together without worry. But as for the food issue, that’s a big one. Food is such a comfort, so easy to use and luckily for many of us, it is readily available. In my book, Love Me, Touch Me, Heal Me, I have lots of exercises to do about your relationship to food and to exercise.
Erica
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August 31st, 2011 at 1:21 pm
LOL! Erica I’m pretty certain there is not one person I know that can answer all of those questions above honestly no! What a thought provoking list however and a great way to look at our own patterns and behaviors. Good stuff as always!
Kim
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 1st, 2011 at 2:29 am
Thanks Kimberly. I work hard to not be so judgemental of others but it is so easy to catch myself feeling self-righteous, especially while driving. But I am really cheating myself of feeling good in the moment when I am being annoyed with someone else’s actions, attitude or behaviors.
Erica
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August 31st, 2011 at 4:12 pm
All I can say to this is that I felt like I was cheating myself by staying in my marriage. When I was 16 I wrote myself a letter to only be opened when I was old or on my death bed. It was a promise that I would follow my path and live my life to the fullest. I felt like my marriage, in the end, got me a little off path. I don’t necessarily think that marriage is right for everyone. I personally believe that people sometimes come into our lives to help us grow an if that is not happening then it is time to move on.
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 1st, 2011 at 2:31 am
Nicole,
That is a good description of how you felt, as if you were cheating yourself. The first person we need to be loyal to is our self, our own dreams and goals and life purpose. And when we do that, some people drop away or we decide to leave them – not only spouses and loved ones but also friends who are not aligned with our goals.
Erica
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August 31st, 2011 at 4:33 pm
When you take the time to really digest what is written you come to realize how difficult it can be to be “perfect.” After ending a 24yr marriage, I realized that I had “settled” for a partner for fear I wouldn’t find another. Now I am blessed to truly be in love and I have never been happier. The thought of wanting to be with someone else wouldn’t cross my mind.
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
September 1st, 2011 at 2:54 am
Lee,
You have brought up a good point. Many of us are actually cheating our own self by remaining in an unfulfilling relationship. Problem is, we don’t know what is out there until we make the break. It works the same with building a business and deciding to leave a secure job before you can make it happen.
Erica
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August 31st, 2011 at 8:28 pm
I am so glad you have written this post. Most people thing of cheating as having sex, but there is so much more to it in a relationship. When a client tells me she had dinner or coffee with another man and didn’t tell her husband, I call it cheating. There are so many forms of it. But I must say that reading this article made me realize that I do cheat myself sometimes in my relationship. This was thought provoking to me, because I didn’t realize how much I “follow” my husband with little things I go along with when I rather be doing something else. Hmmm Need to be more aware of that.
Many thanks to you!
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 1st, 2011 at 2:33 am
Donna,
You have described a typical female pattern, just following what a man decides should be done at the moment. But as we become clear and strong in our own self, it becomes easier to stand up to that, not always, but when it feels important or right to do it.
Erica
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September 1st, 2011 at 5:22 pm
I agreed with others that this is a really thought provoking post. Unfortunately we all cheat in some ways. But the point is that we set high standards to have something to strive for. Although I have never cheated on a partner I have cheated in other ways, ie speeding test taking, little white lies. One thing that I was amazed about was the cheating the was going on when I was in chiropractor school. One time, someone had stolen the test that we just took. We were waiting for the scores to come out and a copy was passed out. And not by the instructor.
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
September 3rd, 2011 at 4:21 pm
Joyce,
If you knew that a chiropractor, medical doctor, dentist or psychotherapist cheated on one or more of their exams – just to get through school – would you want to trust your physical or mental health to that person? If someone cheats as a regular practice, they will cheat others when it is convenient. For example, that may be the type of doctor who gives extra stitches just to make money (as someone once told me his father did) or suggests all kinds of unnecessary expensive dental work, or causes mental health clients to become dependent.
Erica
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September 3rd, 2011 at 3:44 pm
A thought provoking subject and I like the title by the way!
I personally think cheating has no place in a relationship. No amount or rationalization can excuse such behavior. One is either in a relationship, or out of that relationship.
One of commentators before made a good point when she talked about self cheating. Self sacrificing in the name of a relationship has no place in that relationship either.
Keep the Smiles,
Stevie
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
September 3rd, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Stevie,
I agree that cheating “has no place in a relationship” for people with integrity, a sense of self worth and compassionate respect for others. People who are self-centered, impulsive, and unable to express their needs become much more vulnerable to flattery and flirtation outside the relationship, often the precursors to cheating.
Erica
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September 9th, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Dr Erica, I wish that I could answer yes to all the ways you describe as cheating.
Is speeding down a highway cheating or simply breaking the law?
Is promising ourselves more than we deliver not an outcome of self motivation?
Applying for a new job is just trying to better ourselves as well.
You see, I believe that, just like in fables or proverbs, there are two sides to an equation.
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 9th, 2011 at 6:58 pm
Trevor,
I like your explanation. Speeding, although it does not appear to be cheating anyone, is giving a sense that “I” count more than anyone else. It is okay for me to not follow rules as long as everybody else does. Of course, there are degrees of cheating and it would be an awfully dull life if we did everything exactly as expected, according to someone else’s or society’s standards. It really boils down to living within our own integrity.
Erica
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September 9th, 2011 at 5:53 pm
Hi Erica,
Thanks for sharing another thought provoking article. It’s a great list to really examine our honesty, integrity, life values and how we value and respect ourselves and others. It’s valuable practice to avoid being self-righteous and judgemental (being “all judgey” is how we classify it in our family); and another thing to truly picture ourselves in the other person’s shoes so we can come from a place of compassion and understanding. We were created equal but we were not created perfect. We all carry our “stuff”. One friend once said, “I try never to judge the actions of other children because sure enough, my child will turn around and do the same thing.” Over the years, I’ve used those words to help stop any kind of judgement that may be forming in my mind for any situation and I much prefer the position of observer without judgement.
Thanks again for sharing this valuable information; it gives us cause to really observe our own thoughts and actions.
Loren
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 9th, 2011 at 6:59 pm
Loren,
So getting back to intimate relationships. Imagine sitting back and observing what is going on, how your partner is responding, rather than placing judgment and accusations and getting hurt and all that. Thanks for your wise comments.
Erica
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November 16th, 2011 at 9:35 am
I really think that all people cheat in their own small ways. I never knew that white lies is equated to cheating which is I am guilty about. Sometimes I think people also need to tell white lies so we do not hurt the person that we love, especially if out intentions are good.
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
November 16th, 2011 at 6:51 pm
Jonathan,
Sometimes a white lie is the kindest thing we can do for someone. At other times, the full truth would have helped so much more. For example, if someone looks horrible in a specific outfit that they are wearing for a professional video, it might be much kinder to ask them to consider changing into something more appropriate. Telling a white lie, “You look great” could be harmful to the person in attaining their goals.
The more often you can truly share your truth with another, even if it is temporarily painful for them to hear, the more clarity and eventual intimacy can be created. And the safety for each of you to be more fully your self.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
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