How Vulnerable Are YOU Willing to Be – In Love, In Business, In Your Life?
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The power of vulnerability is one of the true paradoxes in life. Success in almost any life path requires allowing yourself to get into a state of total and complete vulnerability.
Imagine being a top athlete and not playing against anyone at your own level for fear that you might lose. Imagine being a celebrated actor and not fully embodying your character to the point where you may look and feel completely foolish. Imagine a singer stopping to limit the range of his or her vocal chords in order to not appear overly dramatic.
Vulnerabililty is the key to success in love. When we allow our self to share our deepest thoughts, our personal dreams, our unique historical experiences, our fears, our wisdom and our greatest attributes, we become a true gift to those who know us. When we are vulnerable, those around us can relax into being themselves, being who they are, feeling that it is okay to just be.
Vulnerability is also the key to success in business. When we allow our self to share our expertise, to admit which facets of our work require additional training and skill development, and to be willing to emulate and learn from those who have already acquired the skills we need, then success in business will surely follow.
How vulnerable are YOU willing to be?
* Are you afraid if you express your true feelings you might lose something you now have?
* Do you fear being known and exposed because you have created a false self-image?
* Are you afraid to receive because you might start to become dependent?
* Do you secretly believe that you are not good enough and do not deserve….?
* Are you afraid that if you express your original ideas you will be rejected or even humiliated?
* Do you cling to what is familiar because you are afraid of the unknown?
* Are you afraid to be different and stand out from the crowd?
Have you answered “No” to all of the above, but….
* You are having emotional conflicts and communication problems at work or at home?
* You continue to procrastinate in accomplishing something you “say” you want to do?
* You do not easily attract love or business despite your consistent efforts?
* You find yourself hiding behind your computer, your logic, your emotionality, or your invulnerability?
The One Week Vulnerability Challenge
Just for the this week, notice all the ways in which you tend to protect yourself from being hurt, from losing, from looking less than perfect. Just for this week, allow yourself to be vulnerable in ways you have not allowed in the past.
Before closing, I want to share that as I am writing this I am realizing I have come a long way. Now I am much more willing to say what I want and need, regardless of what response I may be anticipating. Vulnerability appears in many forms. Discover new ways to let yourself be vulnerable now.
Feeling vulnerable. Need to talk. Contact me at
Here’s to opening up, becoming vulnerable, and living into your dream of success.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
September 17th, 2011 at 1:45 pm
This is a hard one for a lot of people. I for one keep a tight bubble around myself when I meet new people. I tend to pick up on the anxieties others put out and I protect myself from it or else it becomes overwhelming. I am also sensitive to energy vampires, but it has given me an insight into how people work. I feel myself getting extremely tired and sometimes dizzy when I am around people who pull their energy from others. It isn’t that I don’t want to be vulnerable, but that I know I have to use caution around some people.
Nicole Rushin recently posted..Aishiteru
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 18th, 2011 at 12:32 am
Nicole,
Probably one of the major qualities that makes you such an awesome writer is that sensitivity to energy, to nuances of other people’s actions and attitudes. People, like yourself, who are highly sensitive need to set boundaries and sometimes even protective shields. But there are many others who have the opposite personality style, naturally keeping a protective distance and fearful of tapping into that sensitive inner knowing.
The most important thing is know your self and how you feel.
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Sex, Lies, Secrets, Endearment Terms–& Dying, The End Game, Part One: The First Day of the End of My Life by Guest Blogger Susan Crain Bakos
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September 18th, 2011 at 4:07 am
Dear Erica,
Love the post! Love you asked the question of “How vulnerable are YOU willing to be?”, it is a great starting, when more people start to realize in fact, to be Vulnerable can be more empowering, then we all will have a much better world!
Thank you for sharing!
Love,
Kelly
Kelly Baader recently posted..Remember Sep 11 2001
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
September 19th, 2011 at 1:01 am
Kelly,
You have certainly shown the power of sharing your vulnerability, especially in that latest video about your early work experience. Once you share your deepest fears and insecurities, you no longer have to fear whether someone else will notice them. You are free to expose your brilliance.
Dr. Erica
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September 19th, 2011 at 7:03 am
Hi Erica,
What an excellent post about vulnerability ! Thank you for the list of questions mentioned above. The question of how vulnerable are you willing to be is something where not everyone can make it perfect.
However, your list of questions can help many to be vulnerable. For example, Do you secretly believe that you are not good enough and do not deserve….? Frankly, this is what I have been telling myself especially on the internet and that makes me avoid writing topic to teach others. I will certainly look into this area again and practice to be more vulnerable so that I can bring my offline expertise to the internet
Many thanks again, Erica !
Cheers
Pearly
Pearly Quah recently posted..Shortage of Water in the Body
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 19th, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Pearly, At the Womens Prosperity Network conference I attended this past weekend featuring Jack Canfield, I heard a story that really helped. If you knew someone in prison and you had the key to get that person out, how would you approach him or her. Would you tenatively say “I think I can help.” Would you worry that maybe your help is not good enough or YOU are not good enough? Or, would you say with confidence and assurance, “I have the key that can get you out of prison?”
Pearly, YOU do have the key to help people that do not know what you have spent a lifetime discovering. You can and need to share your skills and your knowledge. There are people out there who need to hear what you have to say.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Sex, Lies, Secrets, Endearment Terms–& Dying, The End Game, Part One: The First Day of the End of My Life by Guest Blogger Susan Crain Bakos
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September 19th, 2011 at 4:55 pm
I am taking the challenge! I think this is an area I have much work to do. I like your questions and I will keep them in mind as I go through my week.. I have been working on this area and interestingly enough I have had a few hints of this this past weekend… Great timing!
Holly recently posted..We Are Becoming Balloon Bodies!
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 19th, 2011 at 8:23 pm
Holly,
What I find when I watch highly successful presenters is that they no longer fear being vulnerable. They tell their story, even if embarrassing. They put their views out there, even if some people respond negatively. They just keep taking actions toward their vision.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Sex, Lies, Secrets, Endearment Terms–& Dying, The End Game, Part One: The First Day of the End of My Life by Guest Blogger Susan Crain Bakos
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September 19th, 2011 at 6:42 pm
[...] In case you wanted the posts that I mentioned, here they are. How vulnerable are you willing to be by Dr. Erica Goodstone and Perfectionism sucks by BobandRosemary [...]
September 19th, 2011 at 8:50 pm
You speak of vulnerability in business, and use the question about being afraid of expressing your true feelings. This topic I find perplexing. There is no doubt that people are drawn to ward those who reveal their humanity by admitting to certain feelings. We could say that their transparency about their feelings creates a potential vulnerability.I have seen it happen. But it truly is not always so. We are not drawn to fearful leaders, but courageous ones. So there is a limit to the amount of negative feelings that people will accept before they choose not to follow you. For that reason, I do think it is best to be selective about what you want to be transparent about, or disclose openly. Or at least be selective with whom you will share ALL of your feelings. In short, while I agree with the gist of your post, and feel it should be taken seriously, do you think there is a continuum of transparency where we go from “better to BE transparent” to the other side of the continuum where it is wiser to share ONLY with your closest friends, coach, or counselor? Perhaps later then, to share more publicly, “I was scared to death but….”
Richard Goutal recently posted..Collaborative List Building | Have You Tried it Yet?
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 20th, 2011 at 3:53 am
Richard,
You have made a very good point. Although we all enjoy someone else’s transparency it can also detract from our ability to put our trust in that other person’s abillity to help us.
As with most aspects of life, timing is essential. When you are starting out as a manager or hired as a paid speaker, it may not be in your best interest to appear insecure and to share your fears. But as you become a seasoned manager and you are dealing with an employee’s problems or as an experienced therapist helping a client to gain more confidence, it can be helpful if you share some of your own prior insecurities that have gotten resolved. Being transparent about a previous event can be very helpful. Being totally transparent about your current fears that you are not good enough at what you say is your expertise, can cause others to choose not to follow you.
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Sex, Lies, Secrets, Endearment Terms–& Dying, The End Game, Part One: The First Day of the End of My Life by Guest Blogger Susan Crain Bakos
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September 19th, 2011 at 8:50 pm
I am truly starting to become a fan of your blog. I remember about a year and a half I was so afraid of writing about something that everyone that I knew, saw it was being me. Which I was very confortable with, but for some reason when it came time to make the decision to be worldly known for it, I got scared. I was afraid of not failing, but not being tooking serious. With a little soul searching, some thought ratio adjustment, and some leaps of faith I found that what I started a year and a half ago is now making me keep up wiyh it. Now I if like I am aways falling behind, which to me is a great thing. It keep me motivated and wanting to move forward with something I was once afraid to even start. I know now that I did not want to put myself in a vulnerable position to be freely judged by others, now I welcome it. Thanks of posting.
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 20th, 2011 at 3:56 am
Marcus,
I have had a wonderful experience through writing my blog posts. Sometimes I write them and feel a bit uncomfortable, wondering how others will respond. Always, I have been pleasantly surprised because people are truly sharing from the heart, revealing important and sensitive thoughts and feelings that they have about the topic being discussed. By putting myself out there I have been learning so much about how others think and feel. And I continue to gain more confidence to just say it as I see it.
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Sex, Lies, Secrets, Endearment Terms–& Dying, The End Game, Part One: The First Day of the End of My Life by Guest Blogger Susan Crain Bakos
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September 20th, 2011 at 12:08 am
Hi Erica,
Great topic! I have found that the more vulnerable I become on my blog, the more positive response I get from my readers. But I would be lying to say that I have no reservations at putting myself out there in full transparency. There’s always that nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me not to reveal too much, especially my failures. Yet, when I break through that voice and relate at this level to others, only good things have happened.
It is a paradox, like you say!
Dr. Bob Clarke recently posted..perfectionism sucks! — my very first totally imperfect blog post
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 20th, 2011 at 4:00 am
Dr. Clarke,
Just as when you want to tell another person to change some behavior or attitude, it is important to start with something positive. So, if you decide to share something personal about your own fears, it is good to begin with a confident, self-affirming statement about your success. And then tell a brief story about your fears that almost held you back or did stop you in some way. And then return to some success you gained from all of that. In other words, it becomes like you telling a good story as a competent authority … rather than you revealing that you really don’t deserve recognition because you really are a failure, inadequate, etc.
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Sex, Lies, Secrets, Endearment Terms–& Dying, The End Game, Part One: The First Day of the End of My Life by Guest Blogger Susan Crain Bakos
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September 20th, 2011 at 11:51 am
A great post Erica. No one likes to be seen as vulnerable. It reminds me of networking meetings that i attend where everyone says that everything is going so well and do not want to show the true picture of what’s happening in their business. Recently I let it be known that there was an area in my business that I was really struggling with. Many people were surprised when I told them but I got a lot of help that day and others started opening up too.
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
September 20th, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Anne,
What I realize is that when you have been seen as an expert, when you already have credibility and have proven that you are successful, then if you share an area of vulnerability people will like you more because you become more real to them. But if you share all your fears and vulnerability immediately, that becomes their reference point, the way they view you even when you later overcome those inadequacies. It is really about timing.
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Anne Perez Reply:
September 26th, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Hi Dr. Erica
Thanks for the feedback. I had never thought of it like that before but that’s a great point you make about timing. Thanks
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September 20th, 2011 at 7:42 pm
Lovely, inspiring article! I was one of those bullied kids – spent pretty much all of high school trying to blend into the walls so I wouldn’t be picked on. Then one day something snapped and I pushed back – and the bullying abruptly stopped. For better or worse, the result of that life changing event is I do not have a problem expressing my feelings, though admittedly they are often expressed with a “take it or leave it” attitude.
marquita herald recently posted..Reduce Stress and Stop Settling for Less Than You Deserve
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 20th, 2011 at 8:19 pm
Marquita,
Better to have a take it or leave it attitude than to not express yourself. However, sometimes a tough attitude can prevent you from getting the fully desired results you desire. A softer but firm approach often works. As Teddy Roosevelt has said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” (Hopefully I have quoted this correctly).
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Sex, Lies, Secrets, Endearment Terms–& Dying, The End Game, Part One: The First Day of the End of My Life by Guest Blogger Susan Crain Bakos
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September 20th, 2011 at 11:19 pm
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable requires a great deal of humility, Erica.
I think humility is a much maligned characteristic in our culture of achievement and bravado. We are all vulnerable, we only need to be humble enough to accept that, and not vain enough to deny it.
You see, humility is not weakness as it is so often believed. It requires the strength to encounter reality… something that far stronger people usually cower from.
David Merrill recently posted..How To Be A Profit “Producer”, Not A Run-of-the-Mill “Multi-Tasker”
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 21st, 2011 at 12:48 am
David,
In my experience, the more successful the person really is, the more humble they often are. It is more often the people who are on their way up or down, not those who have made it to the top, who are arrogant and engage their egos. Meeting Jack Canfield this past weekend, for example, was a wonderful experience. He ws gracious to everyone, friendly, warm.
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Sex, Lies, Secrets, Endearment Terms–& Dying, The End Game, Part One: The First Day of the End of My Life by Guest Blogger Susan Crain Bakos
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September 21st, 2011 at 3:02 am
Hello Dr. Erica
Drawing comparisons to athletes and singers really brings home the points you are making;- for them to demonstrate those traits would be unthinkable yet many people display them everyday life and can be held back by feeling vulnerable.
Sadie-Michaela Harris recently posted..By: Sadie-Michaela Harris
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 21st, 2011 at 3:12 am
Sadie,
When you go for success, really go for it, you are vulnerable. You can be criticized or rejected at any point. You can create a fabulous teleseminar or webinar that nobody attends. You can spend money and not get it back for quite some time. You are definitely vulnerable. But without committing 100%, you may be limiting yourself from attaining your dream.
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Sex, Lies, Secrets, Endearment Terms–& Dying, The End Game, Part One: The First Day of the End of My Life by Guest Blogger Susan Crain Bakos
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Sadie-Michaela Harris Reply:
September 27th, 2011 at 11:21 am
This is really very true, I hadn’t thought of it in that way, but you are right it is possible to everything you can into something and the synchronisity needed is just not there as in your example of people just not attending the webinar. You are a wise lady
Sadie-Michaela Harris recently posted..By: Sadie-Michaela Harris
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September 21st, 2011 at 4:34 am
Thanks for this insightful post,
I love the example of and actor or musician who stops short in order to censor themselves. It would be loss both for the artist as well as the audience.
People who are rigid and controlled may end up with fewer embarrassments but their lives are always plain compared to those who allow themselves vulnerability to live life fully.
Paul Reimers recently posted..How to Ride a Purple Cow and Stand Out from the Competition
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 22nd, 2011 at 4:57 am
Paul,
Creating a successful business, especially if it is your own brand, requires putting yourself out there without hiding and trying to protect yourself. Sometimes you get criticized or rejected, but sometimes you also get rewarded. To succeed, you have to take those chances.
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Sex, Lies, Secrets, Endearment Terms–& Dying, The End Game, Part One: The First Day of the End of My Life by Guest Blogger Susan Crain Bakos
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September 22nd, 2011 at 6:45 am
Hi Erica,
your posts and questions are fitting right into the work I am doing on myself lately.
I am so glad that I do have professional help since I am touching on some deep layers. I am also doing a course based on John Luskin’s book ‘Forgive for Good’.
Since I am not ready to address anger I am not ready to forgive on a deeper level.
I can forgive on the level that I understand where the person is at but not on the level of feeling all my emotions.
Great post for contemplation.
Thank you!
Cheers,
Yorinda
Yorinda recently posted..Time for Self Reflection
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
September 24th, 2011 at 3:16 am
Yorinda,
Good for you that you are seeking professional help. Dealing with your deep upsets and long held hurts is no different than dealing with fears of building a business. We all need coaching and counseling to delve deeper into ourselves and to be able to fulfill our dreams.
The foundation for the work that I do, The Rubenfeld Synergy Method, involves gentle yet profound touch that helps a person feel safe and supported as they explore those deeper realms.
Check out my interview with my teacher and mentor, Ilana Rubenfeld, who synergized a combination of various modalities into this one gentle system.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drericag/2011/09/21/rubenfeld-synergy–a-talk-with-the-founder-ilana-rubenfeld
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September 24th, 2011 at 2:50 am
Hi, Erica. You made some really interesting points and challenges. For some of us, it can be confusing to understand how vulnerable to be. I have made the mistakes of being too vulnerable to some at points in my life, as well as being to guarded. As you said to an earlier comment-er, we have to learn to know ourselves and others well. I think that the concept of appropriate boundaries, for example, helps us understand how and when to be vulnerable to the right degree.
Steve-Personal Success Factors recently posted..Sarah Palin, Mike Tyson, and True Friendship
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 24th, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Steve,
When we face our own self as fully as possible, we do not feel as vulnerable in sharing even our deepest insecurity with others. We feel more vulnerable when we have not really dealt with it and then someone else adds to our sense of insecurity or unworthiness.
But then it is wise to pay attention to who we are sharing our deepest feelings with, what is their level of openness and their way of responding.
Also, timing and specific situations make a difference. When we are sharing with people who are open to us, receptive and ready to hear what we are saying, being vulnerable can be wonderful for all.
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Sex, Lies, Secrets, Endearment Terms–& Dying, The End Game, Part One: The First Day of the End of My Life by Guest Blogger Susan Crain Bakos
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September 24th, 2011 at 5:06 am
Hi Erica, This is a challenge. One I think will be difficult, but I am willing to take on. Being vulnerable opens us up to being judged and even hurt by ones we love. I think sometimes we have a tendency to say what will not provoke undesirable responses, which is covering up our vulnerability. Ideally we should be able to be real, genuine and offer our true thoughts without feeling like we will offend or cause someone to rise up and disagree. I do believe that being vulnerable is Freeing.
Oh, how life can be so complex!
Thank you for the thought provoking article.
Bless you!
Lynn
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
September 24th, 2011 at 3:39 pm
Lynn,
When we live from a place of integrity and share our true feelings, regardless of whether someone else takes offense or criticizes us or judges us, then we are not only freeing up our own self but we are allowing them the freedom to respond as they choose. If we hide our true feelings, then we aren’t getting a true response from the other person.
At first it can be scary to let our self be vulnerable, but when we do it often, others around us do not respond so strongly – or we surround ourself with new people who are more in alignment with us.
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Sex, Lies, Secrets, Endearment Terms–& Dying, The End Game, Part One: The First Day of the End of My Life by Guest Blogger Susan Crain Bakos
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September 24th, 2011 at 10:19 am
Hi Erica,
This is a challenging post for me. When I started the personal development route, I felt wonderful to be able to express myself without judgement. Unfortunately this was an artificial environment where the leaders were looking for cash and caring and sharing was very superficial!
My experience in the “real” world is that vulnerability leads to attack. It just isn’t safe to be totally open. There are many people out there looking for vulnerability and ready to exploit!
That being said, I mostly am true to myself. I find it freeing, but I have to take some time out to let go of all of the garbage we pick up in the process of life. So I agree with your sentiments!
As a leader others look for me to be strong and resilient, not weak and vulnerable. I spent a few years that way. I am learning to walk the path between the two worlds. It is a daily challenge, but is the only way I can live!!
John Gaydon recently posted..What Happens When You Take The Brakes Off?
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
September 26th, 2011 at 11:17 pm
John,
You have shared something that is so true. Out there in the world, when we appear vulnerable there may be others ready to attack. I have sometimes experienced it in this online world. Two different people who were ready to create a joint venture with me (because they thought my “list” was bigger than theirs), dropped away as soon as they realized that we might have to build a bigger list together. One took an idea I had and went with it on his own. But, to paraphrase what Brendon Berchard has said, “I am a creator. Even if someone steals my entire program, I will just create something new.” As we put our work and our self out into the world, we are more vulnerable to crticism and attack – and – we are more vulnerable to wonderful connections, increased income, lots of recognition and a more meaningful, joyful life.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
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September 29th, 2011 at 2:27 pm
Hi Erica
I too have learned a lot over the years.. and I do know a problem shared is often a problem halved.
Being closed in our approach to people does not let our personality shine through and we can miss out on lots of good things..
Vulnerable? I guess I am. I truly believe that we receive blessings from what we are able to give. Being vulnerable, allows people to see the real “us”, I guess.
I love the internet for its random acts of kindness. I have made many friends over the last 2 years. I have found my most successful partners are “open” and giving and share their experiences for the benefit of others.
Bit of a ramble, sorry.
Love your Blog Erica. It is truly a great resource for people
Best wishes
Pete
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
October 1st, 2011 at 12:47 am
Pete,
Thanks for your supportive comments. What I continue to realize is that it is wonderful to be vulnerable and it is also sometimes good to protect our self when we are around people who do not operate with the same openness and love and generosity. I have found, just like you, many wonderful online friends with open hearts who share their knowledge freely.
Dr. Erica
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October 14th, 2011 at 4:12 am
I agree with some of the other readers on how insightful this post is. So many people wear masks that act like a shield protecting the vulnerable ego from being seen, felt and healed. I think that the negative side effect of wearing masks is that it also behaves like a brick wall, blocking us from feeling the love and heart connection with others around us. It doesn’t allow us to be truly intimate with ourself in that we cannot be open and revealing with others. Once the mask is removed we may feel naked, yet this vulnerability is our first step towards our life’s liberation and enlightenment.
You cannot hide behind any mask and expect to be happy in your life.
Rachel Lavern recently posted..Caterpillars, Butterflies and Change
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
October 14th, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Rachel,
What you are saying is so true. But we can also begin to let our self be very slowly revealing our self to others. Like a turtle who sticks his head out of the shell and returns to safety inside the shell. One of the reasons people don’t come out of their shells and remove the mask is that they think they have to do it all at once.
Instead, it is good to choose a person or persons with whom you feel a sense of safety and some trust that they will not judge you or attack or criticize you for sharing what is true in your heart.
You also have to be prepared that when you open up, other people may inadvertently hurt you with their words or actions. But as we open up more and more (first to our self), we become less afraid of how others respond and then we develop many warm, close and open relationships. The world starts to feel like a warm, open caring place.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
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October 17th, 2011 at 3:21 pm
This is a very interesting topic Erica, and one which I had not really considered for myself.
I know that when I worked in financial services and had to find out about people’s financial situations almost all of them felt vulnerable. The ones who had a lot of money felt that they ought to keep that quiet or they would be vulnerable to other people’s greed. The ones who had no money always exaggerated what they had as they felt vulnerable to being ridiculed.
You apy your money and take your choice.
Trevor Barrett recently posted..Money Saver Foods For All Occasions
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