Infidelity –
Cheating Creates a Dark Cloud of Insecurity
Just to explain further, my article topics are diverse, ranging from healing your body, healthy diet and nutrition, creating loving relationships, success, best counseling practices, healthy aging and many other topics related to health and/or relationships. However, one specific article seems to always be at the very top. The leading online marketers continually remind us to learn from our market, to let our market tell us what they want. So, I am finally listening.
The article that has received the most views of all the articles I have written is entitled: Healing Your Relationship After Cheating is Discovered.
Cheating and infidelity are not my favorite topics to focus on, to research or to talk about. But I must admit, especially since the advent of social media and particularly Facebook, cheating has entered the forefront of my clients’ presenting complaints. One partner has somehow discovered the other person’s indiscretion, flirtation and emotional or sexual connection with the potential for an extra-marital or extra-relationship affair.
Have YOU experienced infidelity in any of your relationships, past or present? Were the suspicions of your partner or yourself accurate? In your opinion, what factors do you believe might have precipitated the indiscretion and cheating behavior?
In my next post, I’ll talk about what I believe are some of the factors leaving the door open to the possibility of cheating.
You can read more of my articles at ezinearticles.com.
Why Do People Cheat In Relationships?
Love, Sex or Money – Which One Do You Really Want?
If you are struggling with some relationship concerns, infidelity, cheating or other issues, get my free Relationship Success report or schedule an appointment.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
August 8th, 2011 at 10:58 am
Erica, this has prompted me to have a look at my stats over at EzineArticles. It has given me an insight as to what areas I should be concentrating my articles in.
In my day cheating and fidelity did not happen… O.K., if you believe that you will believe anything but it certainly wasn’t discussed openly like today. It was very hush hush and people who did it were thought to be a bit dirty.
I’m sure it was better that way, now people just treat it as being normal.
Trevor Barrett recently posted..Should Governments Be Personal Debt Management Role Models?
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 8th, 2011 at 8:23 pm
Trevor,
Even though cheating seems to be quite common, I would not label it “normal.” It is a sign that somebody is not being honest, either with them self about their true needs and feelings or with their partner. And it is not only the person “cheating” who may not be facing the truth. It is often the partner also avoiding something important.
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..How Old is Old Enough? Reflections on Compulsive Aging by Guest Blogger Jeanne Denney
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August 8th, 2011 at 4:07 pm
Times are different and people do not have the same outlook on marriage as they once had. I am a strange bird – I don’t really believe that the confines of marriage are good for all people. Most people get married because they believe that is the next natural step. I am recently divorced and never plan on walking down the aisle again. The only benefits I see are financial. Religion does not control the masses anymore. We are becoming a more spiritual society and our relationships are more about growth and spirituality not about what a church says is right or wrong. Infidelity takes place because people want to be fulfilled and people will seek that where ever they can. This is a long conversation that could never be completed on a blog or through an article – it comes down to fulfillment and connecting with others. Most people are not fulfilled in their marriages and unfortunately many people get married and think they have some control over the other person. Like I said, I am a strange bird – I think the confines of marriage is crippling – but that is just me.
Nicole~ recently posted..Pulling the Magician Card
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 8th, 2011 at 8:27 pm
Nicole,
It is not the “confines” of marriage that makes it “crippling.” It is really more the restrictions that individuals and society put upon us when we are married. I have worked with so many couples in which one person “forbids” the other person to talk on the phone with anyone of the opposite sex. Yes, sometimes those phone calls can lead to an affair but often it is just a need to talk, an emotional connection. One person cannot fulfill all the needs of any other person. So if there is freedome in marriage, it can feel freer than being single because there may also be a sense of belonging, safety and security.
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..How Old is Old Enough? Reflections on Compulsive Aging by Guest Blogger Jeanne Denney
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August 8th, 2011 at 6:29 pm
I must admit that I’m in agreement with Nicole on the topic of marriage and infidelity and I have also sworn off marriage. I look around me and I can honestly say I see very few people who are married and happy – at best some couples tolerate each other and at worst they have grown used to living with constant sniping or talking about each other behind their backs. My niece is on her third marriage and I can tell from her letters the writing is on the wall for this one. I far prefer my single life with good friends.
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 8th, 2011 at 8:31 pm
Marquita,
Yes I have seen lots of unhappy couples, especially since I am counseling couples all the time to deal with some issues. However, I have also seen many really happily married couples. When both people are pursuing their dreams and goals and supporting each other toward that, there can be such joy in the togetherness. When we are single and dating, we allow the other person total freedom. People need to allow their spouses more emotional and creative freedom. It is not so much the problem with marriage as it is the problem with the individuals’ concept of marriage and their mindset within the marriage. It is an intense and ongoing partnership that requires frequent negotiation and renewal.
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..How Old is Old Enough? Reflections on Compulsive Aging by Guest Blogger Jeanne Denney
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August 9th, 2011 at 4:01 am
It’s interesting to read the range of opinions on this topic. I am very fortunate to have found a fantastic person to whom I am married. I hope I’m not too naive when I say this (we’re coming up on our 14th anniversary in November). I love what you said, Erica, about the importance of honesty with ourselves and the other person about what we are thinking and feeling.
I also believe that there needs to be a level of sacrifice and selflessness in any committed relationship. That does not come easy, but is so necessary for the trust and good of the relationship.
Steve-Personal Success Factors recently posted..If You Don’t Get Your SWOT Together, You’ll Hate Yourself Later!!
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 9th, 2011 at 4:28 pm
Steve,
Creating a happy marriage requires both people to take it seriously. Just like creating a highly successful business requires building relationships, commitment, focus, mentoring, and continual work on it, a relationship requires that also.
I love that you added the piece that we also need “a level of sacrifice and selflessness.” So often we think of selflessness and being a loser or a failure. In the same way, many people think that if we have to work hard and continually put in effort for a business that does not seem to be succeeding at this point, then we are somehow a loser. But the truth is, people who have built lasting businesses and lasting relationships that are fulfilling, have had to put in a lot of selfless energy to produce the desired results.
Warmly,
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..How Old is Old Enough? Reflections on Compulsive Aging by Guest Blogger Jeanne Denney
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August 9th, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Hi Erica,
I haven’t had any experience with infidelity, meaning to my knowledge, my partner hasn’t been unfaithful and neither have I.
I know for sure that in the 12 years that we have been together, there have been times when we’ve thought about it! Not a nice thing to admit but there have been some times when I feel I have not been given what I need from my partner. Which leads me to my theory. Well, sort of my theory. The concept I learned from Tony Robbins and I believe it to be true…
If you fulfill your partners needs (meaning the 6 human needs of Love/Connection, Significance, Certainty, Variety (uncertainty), Contribution/Giving and Progress), they will stay and won’t even think to look elsewhere.
Though, I’m no expert in this field, I know that in my relationship, looking back with that theory in mind, it has been true. I could actually ramble on about this and state examples but I would take up an awful lot of space!!
Infidelity is not a pleasant topic at all but it is a problem that too many people face.
All the best,
Emma
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 9th, 2011 at 4:33 pm
Emma,
Thanks for sharing your perspective.
We can never vouch for another person in terms of whether they have strayed or not, but as you say, if we make the concerted effort to provide thos 6 human needs, they will be more likely to stay.
People also need freedom to be their own self. Some people crave variety. Some people feel as if they have missed out on certain experiences if they got married too young or divorced and got into a new relationship too quickly.
Also, there are unmet childhood needs that have to be addressed and the issues are brought to the surface in an intimate relationship.
This is where counseling can help to save a wavering relationship.
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..How Old is Old Enough? Reflections on Compulsive Aging by Guest Blogger Jeanne Denney
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August 10th, 2011 at 2:27 am
Thanks, like Trevor I am going to go and take a closer look at my stats on Ezine Articles too.
Funny, this is never a topic that comes up for me. Either for myself or my friends.
Maybe I am sticking my head in the sand but it just doesn’t cross my mind. A good thing in my books.
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
August 10th, 2011 at 8:54 pm
Carla,
This is not a topic you want to have to deal with, it just happens sometimes. I find that so many of my online friends are authentic and caring, like yourself, and seek out like minded partners. So, this may not be an issue. When you feel you can trust your partner or your business associates or your friends, it is so much easier to focus on your passion and what matters most to you in life.
Erica
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August 10th, 2011 at 3:24 am
Dr. Erica.
this has and will always be a subject many stray away from. I really have not addressed it in the eighteen years of my marriage. We believe that if one of us ever feels like the need to get physical with someone else. Be honest and allow the other to know that the spark is dead. That you are not keeping with being married serious and there is no effection left. That is what me and my wife have agreed and lived by.
However, if that was to happen. Both of us agree to part as friends and leave the other alone. It is not worth having a relationship if your not committed. That is the way we both where raised. This is only our lifestyle. We have been traveling and make each day an adventure. There is never the same thing going on. I guess that is a key eliment we have that works for us.
I have been married before and this was the situation that happen. Maybe youth and inexperience of my spouse. It really doesn’t matter. There are no hard feelings and we as with my present wife. Agreed and took action based on after the fact with her doing it to me. So, I can understand based on experience the pain of being the one who it happened to. That is what makes us stronger and more aware that all good things come to an end.
No one lives forever and neither will attraction and dedication to a mate. You will not always find that spark if you do not make your lifestyle exciting for both. Create adventures and revisit writing those love letters. Things out of the norm. The older we get, the more we forget to keep things romantic and exciting works both ways. Pleasing the other is top on my list. I can be happy with the little things. One in the relationship will be happy with anything and the other will need mystery and excitement.
Dr. Erica, you site is always wonderful and amazing. I can relate with allot of your articles.
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 10th, 2011 at 8:44 pm
William,
You are so wise and have a really good understanding of what keeps a relationship alive – steadiness and also mystery, fun and excitement, romance, pleasing the other. Also, it is essential to express your own needs and passion, with your partner and in other aspects of your life.
Thanks for your open and caring response, as always.
Warmly,
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..How Old is Old Enough? Reflections on Compulsive Aging by Guest Blogger Jeanne Denney
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August 10th, 2011 at 2:40 pm
Hey Erica
Some great responses above.
This is not a subject I have thought about much lately as I live the single lifestyle.
But if someone cheats that means there is something in the relationship that is not working, otherwise they would not cheat.
For me the question to ask is if I am cheating why am I in a relationship with someone.
Peter
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 10th, 2011 at 8:46 pm
Peter,
You are so right. But not everyone is clear enough or level headed enough to clarify what they truly want. Often they cling to someone for financial or emotional support or some other reason and are afraid they cannot have that again if they leave this person. They try to keep their current partner while living freely on the outside. It may seem to work for awhile but it is usually a disaster waiting to happen.
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..How Old is Old Enough? Reflections on Compulsive Aging by Guest Blogger Jeanne Denney
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August 15th, 2011 at 2:18 am
Ooh. Dr Goodstone my cheating eventually ending my past marriage. Man where do I start. My mom passed in ’08. Seven days later I married my then girlfriend. My mom left me an inheritance and the first thing I did was try to give my woman everything. Wrong move.
I started to lose a lot of money and turned to home business thus the beginning of my internet network marketing career. What happened next lead to some of the worst things ever in my life, but I will just tell you about the marriage.
My wife began to hate me, but at the same time love me. She hated that I would hang on to network marketing, and begged that I would get a job and please stop trying to “get rich on the internet.”
What killed me heart was when I had the money, and she had no job I was saying hey quit your $80 a week job and help me to run the business let’s be a team! She quit and tried to help for a very short while, but she would always say stop checking the money, and here’s another bill. What are we going to do worry, stress words, agony!
So then the tables turned. She had the job I was a broke internet network marketer, but I use to pay bills with my home business. She would be so mad at me when I would advertise as she called it blowing money. Basically she felt I was the dumbest man alive with that business, and played me to believe I love it more than her.
I would have faith of us being rich together, but she blinded my dream with what I call “Hood Faith.” Dr. Goodstone hood faith is I will believe it when I see it! That’s why she was always saying go get a job, we are broke, stop dreaming, and “help me.”
I never not once asked her to help me, when I had the money, but through our apartment being broken into, moving a lot, and just terrible decision making I lost 6 figures.
We separated many times and I would cheat with other women. I always told her and then we would start the cycle again. Break up to make up to almost kill each other.
I have never put my hands on her, but she has done cruel things to me such as hit me in the genital area with a hammer! This is not the most critical thing.
I asked her to just hug me, when I was having a mental breakdown, but she wouldn’t. She said and I quote, “Hug yourself!”
I knew how it felt to have someone quit on you and she threw me away like trash Dr. Goodstone. I still know to this day I could have been a better man and just not have cheated on her during those rough times, but she divorced me over the most silly argument about get this, are you ready for this one. . . Gas money.
Thank you for this post it felt good to relive this let it out and cry a little. You are a good person Dr. Goodstone.
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
August 17th, 2011 at 4:39 am
Justin,
What you describe is so common. So many partners are happy when their spouse or partner has money and pays for everything. But when the partner has a dream and is attempting to accomplish some goals, the partner does not support the dream. You knew that you wanted to create an online business. But I am sure you now know that it does take time and experience and often a lot of failures before finally succeeding.
The next step, when your partner is belittling you and not supporting you, is to easily fall into someone else’s arms, someone who listens to you, likes you and sees potential in you that your partner is not seeing.
If those issues within your relationship do not get worked out, when you break up and get back together, it feels good for only a little while, and then the feelings return but escalate.
Counseling is so important and can help you to sort through the relationship problems before they become so big that they can’t be fixed. Sorry to hear that you had such a hard time but I do not think your “cheating” was the cause, I see it as the result or effect of the relationship problems – not the best solution, counseling would have been better – but it was an attempt to help you to feel better about a difficult situation.
Warmly,
DrErica
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Justin Allen Hammonds Reply:
August 24th, 2011 at 12:03 am
Thank you Dr. Goodstone! That’s is something I wanted to get off my chest. Jesus helped me get over it and now a Dr. says I’m ok too. Hallelujah! Thank You Jesus! You are wonderful Dr. Goodstone!
Justin Allen Hammonds recently posted..Getting Over Mind Numbing Marketing & Marketing Your Message With a Purpose!
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August 17th, 2011 at 10:13 am
Interesting subject Erica. I believe (rightly or wrongly) that cheating is very often bourne out of the insecurity of the other partner. And I think some people jump into marriage out of insecurity, i.e, they think by marrying someone, they will have got their ‘catch’. I am not married but have been living with the same partner for over 18 yrs and I believe one of the reasons we are still strongly together is because there were no ‘constraints’. The door is always open for either one of us to ‘leave’ and because of that, there is no temptation to actually try it. (By the way we are actually – finally – getting married in 3 weeks!)
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
August 19th, 2011 at 2:39 am
Mandy,
Wow! What a decision after 18 years. It IS possible to live in a marriage without constraints. It is really all about what the two people want to create. Congratulations and enjoy.
Erica
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August 19th, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Hello Erica,
Cheating is a dirty word. It has no place in a relationship. I know that there are times when one might err on the side of “misjudgement” and I have heard people say to me: “Well I was out of town, there was this woman (or man) and well.. We did it. No big deal as it’s never going to happen since we don’t even where each other lives…”
One either loves till “death do us part” or moves on before the deed is done. A cheated partner certainly doesn’t deserve this treatment.
Keep the Smiles,
Stevie
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
August 19th, 2011 at 3:53 pm
Stevie,
I love what you are saying, “Cheating is a dirty word.” Cheating so often happens when one person feels unfulfilled and if unwilling to stand up, espress their needs, and end the relationship if necessary. Sometimes there are financial constraints, family issues, not wanting to be without their children, but their emotional and sexual needs are not being met. Unfortunately, it is not always black and white and it is not anybody else’s place to judge another person’s actions. But in general, I agree that cheating is a dirty word – in fact I may use it as the title of my next blog post.
Erica
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August 26th, 2011 at 2:55 pm
Lives are certainly destroyed over the issue/action of cheating. It’s even worse when it happens among my colleagues in ministry because pastors are supposed to have a higher standard. I believe that, actually, that we should be held accountable more. But as for the higher standard, that needs to be in place not only for anyone who is serious about their relationship with God, but for anyone who values their own happiness and well-being. Cheating cannot make someone feel good about themselves.
I’m sure you’re going to address this, but one huge thing I’ve seen creating the problem is a lack of boundaries and accountability. Ok, that’s two things. When especially men (but also women) have a same-gender friend that they can share openly with and who can listen, understand, and still call them to that higher standard, then it’s harder to commit the act because someone else knows about it. Cheating (“sin”) thrives in darkness and secrecy. The boundary issue is obvious.
As a single woman, I’ve never been on the giving or receiving end of infidelity, but through other people this issue touches everyone’s life.
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
August 28th, 2011 at 8:10 pm
Pastor Sherry,
You brought up 3 really good points – boundaries and accountability and also friendship. When someone has strong boundariesa and a strong sense of accountability, they will not easily be influenced by single friends who want to “party.” In fact, they will break away from friends who do not support their values and their relationship with their significant other. However, many people do not have strong boundaries and some have a weak or deficient sense of accountability. Combine that with a single friend of the same sex who is jealous of the relationship and you have someone who may be enabled into cheating. Combine that with an opposite sex friend who is attracted and flirtatious, and you have someone encouraging and enabing the cheating.
I am so happy to read the comments of men who could not even consider cheating on their partner, even when times get rough – which they often do in an intimate relationship.
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..How Old is Old Enough? Reflections on Compulsive Aging by Guest Blogger Jeanne Denney
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September 1st, 2011 at 5:36 pm
Being a very loyal person, I have never cheated on a partner but they have cheated on me. I don’t take to kindly to cheating and it has ended relationships. Being financially independent has kept me out of the trap of having to stay with someone just because of money. That being said, I do have a friend that recently separated from her husband of eleven years. What she did was make a Facebook account to try to entice her husband. I will spare you the details but I really feel disgusted by her and other using social media as a lure to show how their partner is cheating.
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
September 3rd, 2011 at 4:24 pm
Joyce,
I recently heard about a mother who enticed her daughter to become her friend (using a fictitious name) just to check up on her daughter’s wherabouts. I can’t imagine how upset her daughter would be, or will be, when she discovers this.
Trust is something that you can’t play with – you either have it or you don’t. Once it is lost it is difficult, if not impossible, to get it back.
Erica
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