Intimacy is healing through love.  It is that simple but often the hardest task we ever undertake.   That reminds me of the words of one of my clients who was having some marital difficulties.  He had been in the air force all his life and, as a trained fighter pilot, he had often faced some scary, treacherous and even life threatening situations.  But as he explained to me, none of that was as difficult for him as handling his relationship with his wife. 

At first, that statement seemed ludicrous.  How difficult could his interpersonal relationship really be?  His life was not threatened every moment.  He loved his wife and she loved him.  Nobody was violent, crazy or out of control.  But something deeper was going on – the fear of intimacy at a very deep level of consciousness.

Recently, I read an article entitled Intimacy: Into Me I See — Into Me You See!  In this article, the authors, Ed and Deb Shapiro, say “One of the great benefits of a loving relationship is that it provides a safe space for all of these fears that have never before seen the light of day to be acknowledged, known, and held.  In other words, love brings up everything that isn’t love.”

I have heard those words slightly differently.  Love brings up anything unlike itself for the purpose of release and healing.  Therefore, even in the most “safe” and “loving”  relationship, our “intimate” partner may trigger in us emotions, attitudes, insecurities, fears and downright unattractive personal qualities that we have been suppressing and hiding, even from our own self.

For many, especially those who have not been willing to self-reflect and take personal responsibility for their emotions and their life, an “intimate relationship” can be the most dangerous place in the world.  Creating intimacy requires allowing yourself to be seen and known and acknowledged.  It also requires seeing, knowing and acknowledging the other person for who they truly are.  And then — each partner allowing themselves and their partners to express their true feelings without fear of being criticized, judged or abandoned.  Not an easy task when dealing with the normal stresses of day to day living.

Many of us demand more from our intimate partners than we expect of our own selves. We forgive ourselves for thinking, feeling or behaving in unloving ways but we expect our partners to just forgive us and love us anyway.  Some of us expect more from our own selves than from others.  We forgive and forget, only to harbor unexpressed resentments that appear out of the blue at seemingly inappropriate moments.

Intimacy is not for the faint of heart.  Intimacy is an ongoing creative process, slowly revealing and sharing bits and pieces of our innermost workings.  Intimacy begins with accepting and loving our own self first.  The fighter pilot I mentioned earlier had never faced those inadquate feelings from his early childhood because he managed to prove to himself and others how fearless, courageous and strong he was.  But when he got close to woman who saw beyond the exterior, his entire demeanor was threatened.  Luckily for him, he sought help, talked about his childhood experiences, worked through some painful unresolved issues, and recreated a more satisfying relationship with his wife.

My question for you is this:  Have you faced your own inner demons?  Do you like, love and truly accept yourself the way you are now?  And how do you feel when someone you know “gets” you, sees you the way you believe you really are?

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