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Is YOUR Erotic Pot Bubbling, Simmering or Lukewarm?  

In a recent professional list serve discussion, one of my colleagues, Julian Slowinski, PsyD, shared with us his remedy, solution and recipe for nurturing desire and greater intimacy in relationships.  He suggests that couples can remain “erotically (and otherwise) connected by applying the 4 T’s of Time, Talk, Touch, and Trust.  The 4 T’s help create an environment of closeness, including (playful erotic promises), which tends to increase partner availability for sexual experiences.”  Find out more ins this scintillating book, “Keeping the Erotic Pot Bubbling” (Milsten & Slowinski), The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions, WW Norton, 1999, Chap.36)  

Time

How much quality time are YOU spending with your spouse, live in partner or significant other?  Is this quality time together or is it time shared with family, friends, business associates, children or other non-shared, non-intimate activities?  Do you create and share exciting, adventurous and novel activities or are you stuck in a  rut of non-activity or monotonous routines? 

Talk

 When you talk with your partner, what is the quality of your speaking contact?  Do you sparkle at each other’s words, adding a hint of joyful promise or do you focus on the  mundane details of daily living that drain the excitement out of your conversations?  Do you speak in lilting, loving terms or do you disparage, criticize or in some way show less than optimal appreciation for each other?  And – do you take the time to talk about what really matters to your partner as well as to yourself?  Do you talk about it or avoid talking about it, hoping it will just go away?  Do you whisper sweet nothings?  Do you call and leave enticing messages on the phone?  Do you send intriguing texts that make your partner smile, blush, feel warm all over or laugh out loud?  Or do you really believe that none of this matters and your partner will just have to accept you the way you are, take it or leave it? 

Touch 

How often do you and your partner touch?  Do you gently brush your partner’s face or hair, lightly touch his or her shoulder when you pass by, or stop briefly for a warm and cuddly hug?  Do you rub your partner’s tired feet, soothe your partner’s aching neck, or give an all out back or shoulder or full body rub just to help your partner feel relaxed?  Is your touch ALWAYS a prelude to further sexual contact or do you often touch just for the sake of tender loving care?  And what is the texture and quality of your touch?  Do you enjoy touching and being touched merely for the sensations and the sense of being close?

 Trust

 Is your relationship a safe place to be?  Can you say what you truly feel and express it in a way that is natural for you, without the fear of receiving a backlash of criticism and defensive verbal (or even physical) retaliation?  Do you trust that your partner shares the truth with you and would tell you if something out of the ordinary was to occur, e.g., contact with an ex-lover or unexpected texts  from an attractive person?  Do you trust that your partner has your best interests at heart, truly loves you, and wants you to feel happy, uplifted and good about yourself?  Do you trust that your relationship has lasting potential and that you both want to remain together?  Do you trust yourself to be the best person you can be with this partner? 

If you truly want to keep your erotic pot bubbling, then take the time now to apply the 4 T’s.  You will be delighted you did.  BE FOREWARNED.  If you choose to ignore the 4 T’s, you are entering dangerous relationship territory and satisfaction is NOT guaranteed.

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