Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 22 – UNDERSTANDING
UNDERSTANDING surpasses many qualities in life. With a deep UNDERSTANDING of the complexities of a situation, the different meaning attributed to the same circumstances by the different people involved, we can overcome even the most seemingly impossible difficulties.
I remember a story about a Black preacher sharing a TV appearance with a staunch Ku Klux Klan member and by the end of the show they were shaking hands and liking each other. The preacher had such a profound and comprehensive understanding that surpassed the lower level of prejudice between them. Today I attended the Florida Marriage and Family Therapy State Conference. A chaplain serving in the U.S. military shared a story about his response as a “trained soldier” to his daughter’s unwillingness to do what he asked her to do. That situation required a profound understanding by his wife about the way he had been taught to respond as a soldier. In his words he said. “First I insist. Then I assist.” In other words, he asks once and if the person does not do what was asked, he forces the issue because his goal is to protect that person. With ongoing and open communication, he and his wife and his child were able to “understand” each other and return to love.
So in your life, you may now have INCENTIVE, INTENTION, PRESENT MOMENT awareness, DRIVE, inner ARCHITECT, PATIENCE, ability to SURRENDER, COMMITMENT, TRUST, DISCERNMENT, PASSION, DESIRE, CREATIVITY, SENSUALITY, full SEXUAL EXPRESSION, COMPASSION, good COMMUNICATION, PRACTICE building relationships skills, a healthy balance between TOGETHERNESS and AUTONOMY and SENSITIVITY when you feel at least some of the above qualities in the other person. But what happens when their response seems to be “crazy” or coming from left field. How much UNDERSTANDING can you apply to the situation at hand?
Today’s question is: Do you have a deep and comprehensive UNDERSTANDING about the way YOU think and feel, the way OTHERS think and respond, the way the WORLD words and the way RELATIONSHIPS develop?
- Are you able to fully embrace a completely different point of view, perspective or style of handling situations with your spouse, business associate or others?
- Can you remain kind, supportive, considerate, empathic and even indulgent when another person’s response does not yet make sense to you?
- How perceptive, aware, thoughtful, kind and compassionate are you in situations and relationships that are difficult to comprehend, interpret or settle harmoniously?
Ask yourself NOW: How much informed, reasoned and studied UNDERSTANDING do you bring to the complex, confusing, upsetting and disharmonious situations and relationships in your life?
When I took the EST Training with Werner Erhard many, many years ago, he used to say repeatedly: “Understanding is the booby prize.” In his way of thinking, UNDERSTANDING is an intellectual activity and bypasses the emotions. In my experience over a few decades with thousands of clients, without UNDERSTANDING there is often lots of emotion, lots of expressed negative emotion, and lots of resistance and emotional pain. With deep and respectful and abiding UNDERSTANDING, forgiveness becomes possible, love surpasses self-interest, and relationships can flourish.
Relationships are built upon the complexity and interactions among all the different possible qualities, both positive and negative, that we can bring. Every quality is important, to some degree. It is really the balance among all the different possibilities that can lead to joy and happiness or sadness and emotional devastation.
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Warmly,
Dr. Erica













January 25th, 2013 at 11:30 pm
Oh Dr. Erica, someday let’s discuss EST training……we certainly will have tales to tell. Thank you for the blog post, keep feeling the hugs, Karen
[Reply]
Dr. Goodstone Reply:
January 26th, 2013 at 12:27 am
Karen,
I took EST among many other trainings, one of which was my favorite “Living Love” at the Cornucopia Institute with Ken Keyes, Jr., author of the Handbook to Higher Consciousness.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Goodstone recently posted..Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 22 – UNDERSTANDING
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January 26th, 2013 at 4:39 pm
Dr. Erica
I think allowing is tantamount to understanding how another thinks. If I am closed to the way others think and behave then I am in a right/wrong paradigm and a never win situation. Maybe I don’t have to understand exactly how you think or why you do what you do, but I can allow for it being your way. I become generous and accepting and that leads to understanding, and as you mention, being respectful.
Good thought provoking post. Thanks,
RICK
Rick Lelchuk recently posted..Fear: Is It Your Boogie Monster?
[Reply]
Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
January 26th, 2013 at 10:48 pm
Rick,
You are so right. The way I think of understanding is broader than just knowing the specific details. It is more like knowing that another person thinks differently and, as you say, being able to allow them and accept them, even if you would prefer that they think and act differently.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 22 – UNDERSTANDING
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January 26th, 2013 at 6:29 pm
I would like to think that I am understanding enough to take others people points of view into account. But as an observer of people I do notice that understanding and acceptance of other people’s views does seem to be lowing these days. There appears to be a lot of “my way or the highway” thinking. What are your thoughts on that?
Clint Butler recently posted..The Perfect SEO Strategy For 2013
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
January 26th, 2013 at 10:52 pm
Clint,
I fully agree. I have been dealing with a neighbor who has this small space on the side of his apt, right next to where my parking spot has been for many years. He put 2 chairs there and a bicycle a few inches from my car – with no regard for the fact that this is a parking lot, not his private backyard. That is just one recent example. But I have also been involved with some caring, forward thinking people here in South Florida who are progressive, building success, sharing and collaborating. Those are the people I choose to spend my time with and put my attention on. The others just drain my energy.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 22 – UNDERSTANDING
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January 26th, 2013 at 7:38 pm
Dr. Erica… your beginning of this amazing article series is what stuck in my mind, “UNDERSTANDING surpasses many qualities in life.” no matter how more I was reading, the beginning keep coming back in mind so I must say… CONGRATULATION for attracting my attention and be focused on “UNDERSTANDING”.
I had to stop for a minute, once I finished reading and start to think back about understanding people and be understood… wow, I found my self lost.. lost in so much misunderstanding.. BUT I have hope, I have faith… because I also found out that slowly but surely I have been improving… THANK GOD ..
Thanks so much for this amazing article and for the previews ones as well.. all are there for all of us to make some kind of improvement in life and be happy with each others, no matter who we connect with
Thanks again.
nickc
Nick Catricala recently posted..Lost Direction 2
[Reply]
Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
January 26th, 2013 at 10:55 pm
Nick,
My experience of you online through your blogs and your comments on mine and other blog posts is that you are certainly caring and you do make every attempt to understand the perspective and needs of others. Your amazing day trip to the city was an example of that. The other important aspect is that you keep learning, you admit what you believe may have been your shortcomings (although you are probably harder on yourself than you need to be), and you keep trying to understand and improve. What more could anybody ask for or expect?
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 22 – UNDERSTANDING
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January 26th, 2013 at 11:02 pm
Hi Dr. Erica:
This is such an important message! A number of years ago I learned a great skill called incarnational listening which is basically putting yourself in the other person’s situation without leaving your own. It is so helpful to seek to try to see things from the other person’s perspective.
Thanks!
Kevin
Kevin Martineau recently posted..Eating together as a family is extremely important!
[Reply]
Dr. Goodstone Reply:
January 27th, 2013 at 11:50 pm
Kevin,
I love that term “incarnational listening.” There is this wonderful couple, Hedy and Yumi Schleifer that I interviewed a few months ago on my Healthy Baby Boomers Network blogtalk radio show. They talk about “crossing the bridge” into the other person’s world.
Even when another person is in a state of rage, if we can reach into their world and truly understand their thought process, we are much more likely to be able to alleviate the stress and facilitate their calming down. Thanks for sharing that.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Goodstone recently posted..Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 23 – RECEPTIVITY
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January 27th, 2013 at 6:30 pm
Hi Dr Erica,
Understanding for me is about having empathy with another person. Putting yourself in their shoes and attempting to understand their perspective. This is so key in relationship marketing and of course as a healer. Without understanding others, there is no hope of success. I have seen a lot of people who try to manipulate others into accepting their paradigm. It is never successful long-term and usually ends in tears.
Blessings
Clare
Clare recently posted..People are Awesome – This video is an absolute Must-See!!
[Reply]
Dr. Goodstone Reply:
January 27th, 2013 at 11:41 pm
Clare,
I have experienced many people marketing their products at me with no idea about my background, training, current needs and desires. For example, I have been focusing on writing (my novel), blog posts, Kindle books. The last thing I want to do is go to a workshop about improving your attitude and increasing your productivity (when I am already not having enough hours to complete the tasks I have set up for myself). But people will push and try to convince. And some of them do that with their blog posts and FB pages, asking for something without reciprocating or trying to understand what I might need or be interested in. Understanding goes a long way in life.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Goodstone recently posted..Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 23 – RECEPTIVITY
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