Love in the Blizzard of LIfe – Day 24 – FORGIVENESS
FORGIVENESS is not a one-time event. When we get involved in a relationship, any relationship which involves closeness, shared activities, and dual responsibility, our emotions will sometimes be aroused and not in the way we want and expect. When the other person upsets us, treats us unfairly, fails to keep promises and commitments, or blindsides us in some reprehensible way, to maintain the relationship we will have to practice FORGIVENESS.
The New Testament of the bible states that we need to forgive “70X7.” It does not tell us to forgive once and then walk away. It does not tell us to forgive and expect the other person to instantly discontinue their wayward activities. No, the bible reminds us to keep forgiving and even to “turn the other cheek.“ We are also told that “the meek shall inherit the earth.”
Does this mean that we owe it to other people to become a perpetual doormat? No. There is a deeper meaning to FORGIVENESS. What I like to use as a metaphor is a person who is a Black Belt in Karate or a master at Tai Chi or some other martial art. When a student reaches a high level of mastery in a fighting sport, that person knows how to instantly kill another person. Knowing that bring a powerful responsibility. A martial arts master will not seek a fight, will not provoke a fight, and will willingly turn the other cheek and forgive 70X7. However, if the danger or provocation by the other becomes too great, the master may just point a finger with total clarity and intensity of focus, and the other person will either go flying or will be struck dead.
So here you are. You have established your INCENTIVE, INTENTION, PRESENT MOMENT awareness, DRIVE, inner ARCHITECT, PATIENCE, ability to SURRENDER, COMMITMENT, TRUST, DISCERNMENT, PASSION, DESIRE, CREATIVITY, SENSUALITY, SEXUAL EXPRESSION, COMPASSION, and COMMUNICATION. You PRACTICE relationships skills, you balance TOGETHERNESS and AUTONOMY, your SENSITIVITY. UNDERSTANDING and RECEPTIVITY are strong. But what happens when another person does you wrong, hurts you, disappoints you, abuses you or betrays your trust and love?
Today’s question is: How strong is your willingness to allow FORGIVENESS to rule in all situations in your life – maybe not in the exact moment of emotional devastation – but as you develop greater understanding and wisdom?
- Are you able to readily forgive another person for wrongdoing without holding on to blame and criticism, judgement and ruthless distancing?
- Can you absolve yourself or someone else from guilt and blame, showing mercy and tolerance, even if the remorse and regret is not as strong as expected?
- Do you understand, pardon, feel compassion and even pity for the other person, knowing that if someone feels loved they do not need to hurt others?
Ask yourself NOW: How easily and readily am I able to practice FORGIVENESS of myself first and then all others with whom I am in even a momentary relationship?
FORGIVENESS is powerful. It frees up our energy, allowing our mind to focus on what we choose in the present moment. Without FORGIVENESS, our mind loops back over and over ruminating about someone or something that has not pleased us. And then our emotions kick in and we feel upset, disgruntled, frustrated, angry and whatever else gets stirred up in our consciousness. As we allow FORGIVENESS to enter our consciousness, we are instantly soothing our body, relaxing our thinking process and bringing our mind, mind and spirit into balanced equilibrium.
Relationships are built upon the complexity and interactions among all the different possible qualities, both positive and negative, that we can bring. Every quality is important, to some degree. It is really the balance among all the different possibilities that can lead to joy and happiness or sadness and emotional devastation.
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Warmly,
Dr. Erica
February 17th, 2013 at 2:10 am
Forgiveness is powerful all right. I like to think of it as “releasing”, especially in the case of someone who will not or cannot forgive in return. Releasing blame and resentment over what has happened in the past is truly freeing.
Willena
Willena Flewelling recently posted..How I Organized My 7-Ring Circus
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
February 17th, 2013 at 4:09 pm
Willena,
One aspect of forgiveness is the realization that if the other person is not willing to forgive or to acknowledge their part in some wrongdoing, then it is best to feel compassion. When someone feels loved and acknowledged they have no need to hold grudges or withold love. So, if someone is witholding and unforgiving, that person does not feel loved. It’s that simple.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Goodstone recently posted..Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 30 – FLOW
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Willena Flewelling Reply:
February 18th, 2013 at 12:12 pm
What would you say to someone whose father sexually abused her from the time she was 3 till she was 13, when she finally understood this was NOT normal, and stood up to him and said no more? That father will never admit to his wrong doing. She needs to forgive… i.e. release… for her own well-being and sanity. But to feel compassion… I don’t know… What would you say to someone like her?
Willena
Willena Flewelling recently posted..I Made a Decision
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
February 19th, 2013 at 12:52 am
Willena,
All I can say about that is I have heard Nazi survivors who were tortured and terrified and watched others being senselessly murdered in front of them express that they forgive their oppressors. Forgiveness involved feeling compassion. As it is said in the bible, Jesus said: “Forgive them, they know not what they do.” As horrible, destructive and unforgivable it is for a father to focus on only his own sexual satisfaction at the expense of his innocent and beautiful daughter, he could not possibly do such a thing if he had been loved well by his parents. Obviously he was so deeply wounded at a very young age and did not develop the brain capacity to understand just how awful his actions were – or – he felt that he was so despiccable and unworthy of having a loving child so he had to destroy the love.
If there is any way to access compassion within yourself, that will help to heal you – not the other person. And then it is essential to feel that compassion for you, knowing that it was unfair, cruel, and damaging – and – you DO have the capacity to love and you CAN love others in spite of that early painful experience.
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 30 – FLOW
February 20th, 2013 at 1:34 pm
Excellent example, Erica, which leaves no one any excuse for hanging onto what happened in the past. The friend I mentioned is now in her 50′s, and is on a mission to help others who have been sexually abused. But forgiveness is a nasty word to her, and if she only knew it, she is doing far more harm than good in her efforts to help. Forgiveness is where it begins… any other starting point will not bring peace and healing.
Thank you for your wisdom, my friend, and for sharing it with us.
Willena Flewelling recently posted..Persistence in the Little Things
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
February 20th, 2013 at 11:29 pm
Thanks for presenting a real-life, painful example of a situation requiring forgiveness. From a spiritual perspective, if it is true, we may have actually chosen to come into this life to experience certain types of pain and trauma in order to fulfill our life’s purpose. If that is true, it certainly would be beneficial to do what it takes to forgive.
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Love in the Blizzard of Life – Day 30 – FLOW
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April 27th, 2013 at 7:32 pm
Great stuff Dr. Erica! Forgiveness is empowering. As you point out, the bible talks about it a lot! The Lord’s prayer—the prayer given us as a “model” asks God to forgive us as we forgive others. The old adage, “those that anger you are those that control you” says it all. If we don’t forgive those that anger us, we are under their control. God bless.
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
April 28th, 2013 at 9:14 pm
Gene,
That is certainly a test, to find a way to forgive not only those who have angered us but those who abused us and have not repented to shown any remorse. To say “Forgive them, they know not what they do.”
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Who’s Bullying You?
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