Why is sexual self-expression and sexual disclosure often hiding in the closet? We live in a free society that seems to allow open discussions about even the most controversial topics. Most of us are bombarded with sexual images, from movies, TV shows, commercials, videos, billboard displays, you name it. We are sold the false image that sexual desire, sexual expression and sexual satisfaction are natural, fun, exciting and easily accessible. Sex sells and savvy marketers know that. Sex sells but it doesn’t teach us about the reality of enjoying sexual pleasure within the confines of your own personal and most intimate relationships.
The media shows us slender, strong, physically fit, limber and attractive young men and women flirting, teasing and enjoying exciting sexual encounters. Pornography, readily available on the web, shows us a type of sexuality that would be difficult if not impossible to maintain on a daily basis in a normal living situation. We are being led down a path toward inevitable dissatisfaction. We may be disappointed in our current partner’s level of desire, interest or capacity to please us. We may feel inadequate about our own capacity for stimulating and pleasing our partner. Or we may feel impotent in our own ability to sustain arousal or to achieve orgasmic fulfillment.
These misleading sexual scenarios are creating avoidable problems in many relationships. Men and women tend to expect so much from a partner that it would truly take a superman or superwoman to fulfill these expectations. And – there is often someone new waiting in the wings to offer the promise of the desired fulfillment. A new person, someone whose sexuality has not yet been revealed, can appear to be the sexual answer to a current lull in excitement and pleasure.
Mantak Chia, leading Chi Gong master, said it best in one of his books. To paraphrase, he said: “It takes 21 years for a man to know a woman. 7 years to know her body, 7 years to know her mind and 7 years to know her spirit.” How many men are willing to take 7 years to know a woman’s body? That alone could solve so many sexual problems. And how many men would then be willing to spend another 7 years to know her mind, how she thinks, how he can say things in a way that helps her to feel feminine, sexy, beautiful, sensual and powerful? And how many men would then be willing to go deeper into the psyche and discover the deeper knowing of her spirit? How many women could spend 7 years discovering the nuances of how to pleasure their man physically, and then 7 years to truly understand how he thinks and feels, and another 7 years to assist him to open to his inner spiritual knowing?
Two people who are willing to take the time, focus their attention and study these three aspects of the inner workings of their partner, would be able to create and sustain the most loving and intimate bond imaginable. With that kind of sustained caring, interest and understanding, why would either person feel a need to seek another partner? We all crave love and we need to feel seen and understood. That only comes with sustained sharing, communication, interest and companionship.
So what happens if our partner is a sexual abuse survivor and is not easily aroused or orgasmic? What happens if our beloved partner has a sexual dysfunction, a sexual fetish or a sexual arousal pattern that is not what we would prefer? Should we give up on this partner, say goodbye, and seek another person without these dysfunctions, disturbances or problems? Or, is there a way to love our partner into healing? I believe there is.
I believe that love is the answer and that with enough love anything and everything is possible. Love can heal our wounds, unravel habit patterns in the brain, and actually create new synapses and new ways of thinking and feeling. Think about someone you have loved who helped you to view something in your world differently. Love is the most powerful healing salve there is. But learning HOW to love can take a lifetime.
Read a healing book about love, touch, or sexual and spiritual reawakening.