Sexually Speaking – A Personal View

It starts with her beauty in my eyes, it moves...

It starts with her beauty in my eyes, it moves to her scent in my nose, then how her soft skin feels against my fingers and lips. Very intoxicating. Thanks again to all who have commented or made this a favorite! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why is sexual self-expression and sexual disclosure often hiding in the closet?  We live in a free society that seems to allow open discussions about even the most controversial topics.  Most of us are bombarded with sexual images, from movies, TV shows, commercials, videos, billboard displays, you name it.  We are sold the false image that sexual desire, sexual expression and sexual satisfaction are natural, fun, exciting and easily accessible. Sex sells and savvy marketers know that.  Sex sells but it doesn’t teach us about the reality of enjoying sexual pleasure within the confines of your own personal and most intimate relationships.

The media shows us slender, strong, physically fit, limber and attractive young men and women flirting, teasing and enjoying exciting sexual encounters.  Pornography, readily available on the web, shows us a type of sexuality that would be difficult if not impossible to maintain on a daily basis in a normal living situation.  We are being led down a path toward inevitable dissatisfaction.  We may be disappointed in our current partner’s level of desire, interest or capacity to please us.  We may feel inadequate about our own capacity for stimulating and pleasing our partner.  Or we may feel impotent in our own ability to sustain arousal or to achieve orgasmic fulfillment.

These misleading sexual scenarios are creating avoidable problems in many relationships.  Men and women tend to expect so much from a partner that it would truly take a superman or superwoman to fulfill these expectations.  And – there is often someone new waiting in the wings to offer the promise of the desired fulfillment.  A new person, someone whose sexuality has not yet been revealed, can appear to be the sexual answer to a current lull in excitement and pleasure.

Mantak Chia, leading Chi Gong master, said it best in one of his books.  To paraphrase, he said: “It takes 21 years for a man to know a woman.  7 years to know her body, 7 years to know her mind and 7 years to know her spirit.”  How many men are willing to take 7 years to know a woman’s body?  That alone could solve so many sexual problems.  And how many men would then be willing to spend another 7 years to know her mind, how she thinks, how he can say things in a way that helps her to feel feminine, sexy, beautiful, sensual and powerful?  And how many men would then be willing to go deeper into the psyche and discover the deeper knowing of her spirit?  How many women could spend 7 years discovering the nuances of how to pleasure their man physically, and then 7 years to truly understand how he thinks and feels, and another 7 years to assist him to open to his inner spiritual knowing?

Two people who are willing to take the time, focus their attention and study these three aspects of the inner workings of their partner, would be able to create and sustain the most loving and intimate bond imaginable.  With that kind of sustained caring, interest and understanding, why would either person feel a need to seek another partner?  We all crave love and we need to feel seen and understood.  That only comes with sustained sharing, communication, interest and companionship.

So what happens if our partner is a sexual abuse survivor and is not easily aroused or orgasmic?  What happens if our beloved partner has a sexual dysfunction, a sexual fetish or a sexual arousal pattern that is not what we would prefer?  Should we give up on this partner, say goodbye, and seek another person without these dysfunctions, disturbances or problems?  Or, is there a way to love our partner into healing?  I believe there is.

I believe that love is the answer and that with enough love anything and everything is possible.  Love can heal our wounds, unravel habit patterns in the brain, and actually create new synapses and new ways of thinking and feeling.  Think about someone you have loved who helped you to view something in your world differently.  Love is the most powerful healing salve there is.  But learning HOW to love can take a lifetime.

Ready to heal through love Schedule a session with Dr. Erica.

Read a healing book about love, touch, or sexual and spiritual reawakening.


Dr. Erica


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What Does Love Mean to YOU?





  • Some us us view love as synonymous with our sexual passion.  When we have the “hots” for someone, we view it as love.  If and when that passion wanes, we feel that we no longer love and we seek someone else to stir that passion within us again.
  • Some of us view love as a commitment, a decision to support, value, share with and be with another person indefinitely, regardless of how happy or unhappy we may feel at times.
  • Some of us view love as a source of happiness, a place to feel as if we are on vacation.  If and when it no longer feels good, we are out of there, on to the next, seeking a new place to feel happy.


I have a view of love that seems to be quite different from many of the people I meet and work with.  Many people choose passion and happiness over long term commitment.


I chose love and commitment – no matter what – and I have certainly been tested more than most.  My marriage has been, for me, a testing ground for my own ability to love, to create healing through love, to be and become love.  Not an easy choice and I have often forsaken momentary happiness for the ongoing struggle to overcome adversity and bring forth the love.  At this point the love is prominent and we have overcome some really difficult problems that many, many people would not stick around to deal with.


Right before writing this post I checked out my Pinterest site and repinned the wonderful quote below  from one of my favorite actors who is no longer with us, Paul Newman.  He and his life partner, Joanne Woodward, shared a solid marriage for many years.  I had the privilege of meeting his wife in a Pilates class when I lived in Westport, Connecticut about a decade ago.  She has a sweet, unassuming and friendly disposition  But she is no pushover.  In a talk show interview during his prime, I remember him describing his wife as follows, “Why would I want a hamburger if I have a steak?”  And she managed to remain a “steak” for him for the rest of his life.


Here is Paul Newman’s letter to his wife on their wedding day:


“ Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the Art of Marriage, the little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say ‘I love you’ at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon; it should continue through all the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have the wings of an angel. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding rooms for things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.”


Check out my Kindle book, The Delicate Dance of LoveFind out how YOU can create lasting and fulfilling love by discovering what really matters most to you.

Schedule an appointment, even just one session, to create love now.




Dr. Erica