The Four Agreements
Is your word impeccable?
Relationships are important and wonderful, yet often so difficult to navigate and sustain. Most of us have very little solid training in how to “be” in this world, how to understand our thoughts and emotions, and how to love and accept our self and others.
In my last two posts, I explained some very simple Buddhist concepts that can help us to maintain a sense of equanimity in our daily life circumstances: The Noble Eightfold Matrix and The Four Noble Truths. Today’s post adds a slightly different perspective gleaned from Toltec wisdom.
Have you ever heard of the four agreements? This set of very simple concepts can literally transform your life; profound, yet extremely difficult to practice on a daily basis. “You need a very strong will in order to adopt the four Agreements – but if you can begin to live your life with these agreements, the transformation in your life will be amazing.” From The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic book of Toltec wisdom.
1st Agreement: Be Impeccable with Your Word
I pride myself on usually keeping my word. However, I am often disappointed in business and even in friendship, when another person blatantly promises to do something – and then doesn’t even acknowledge that they cannot do it. They just don’t keep their word.
But there is another aspect to being impeccable with your word that I often fall prey to. That is expressing my truth, saying exactly what I want, need or desire – in the moment. Sometimes I don’t want to hurt or upset somebody else, sometimes I fear the consequences, so I keep my words to myself – and then I may spend days returning in my mind to that unresolved situation.
Are you and the people in your life impeccable with their word?
2nd Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally
It is so easy to take it personally, especially when it appears to be directed directly at you. Your boss criticizes you, your business partner blames you for something you did incorrectly, or your intimate partner labels you selfish or self-serving or inconsiderate.
Yes, they may be directing their words and emotional outbursts at you, but the real cause can be something entirely different. Your boss may have had a fight with his wife, your business partner may feel inadequate about his or her own shortcomings, and your intimate partner may have unrealistic expectations so that your caring behavior is not viewed that way.
Do you take everything personally or are you able to step back and realize there is more to each situation?
3rd Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions
Do you tend to jump to conclusions about people and situations before checking out the true facts? Do you assume that others are caring or do you automatically assume they are trying to take advantage of you?
Catch yourself the next time you make an assumption. Take a breath. Relax. And re-evaluate the situation. Ask questions. Find out what is really going on.
4th Agreement: Always Do Your Best
Do you make sure to always do your best or do you save that for times when you are expecting a big reward? What stops you from doing your best? What inspires you to do your best?
Develop the mindset to always do your best, no matter what.
These are 4 very simple agreements. Try keeping them for the next few days or even the next few hours. Watch what happens around you?
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November 15th, 2010 at 3:18 am
Erica,
Thank you so much for writing about Don Miguel Ruiz’s remarkable book. I had the great fortune to meet him in person and interview him. What a remarkable man! His second book “Mastery of Love” changed my life, empowering me to depend even more upon myself and not allow others’ “bad behavior” project onto me.
Shari Weiss recently posted..How I Used LinkedIn to Buy My New Car
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 6:14 am
Shari,
What a treat to have been able to interview Don Miguel Ruiz. His simple yet profound teachings can keep us so strong, independent and happy. I love his statements to “not take anything personally” and “to be impeccable with your word.” Imagine how happy we can be if we are not emotionally affected by anything that other people say or do, but somehow we evaluate and understand them and their perspective. We could truly live in a state of love perpetually.
Erica
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November 15th, 2010 at 6:39 am
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Karin Boode, Shari Weiss. Shari Weiss said: Dr. Erica talks about Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements: http://bit.ly/aZhCDy [...]
November 16th, 2010 at 5:56 am
Oh, I am such a BIG fan of don Miguel Ruiz’s work and The Four Agreements. Last year, I gave a copy to a few dear people in my life. It is my go to book. It’s short, concise, and filled with practical wisdom that can be applied to life, family, business … it’s fantastic!
Thank you for sharing!
Janette Stoll
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
November 16th, 2010 at 6:04 am
Janet,
I agree. My previous 2 blog posts were about certain Buddhist Noble Truths. Now I am enjoying so much being able to share these beautiful and simple truths from Don Miguel Ruiz. If we could only follow these simple teachings, our daily lives would be filled with wonder and joy and so much less stress and divisiveness.
Erica
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November 19th, 2010 at 4:10 pm
I think #4 may be the most important agreement. Instead of focusing on changing everyone else we should focus on being our best. Regarding relationships the most powerful advice I was ever given was to stop looking for the perfect mate/spouse and to start being the perfect mate/spouse. Being my best will attract the best to me. And if I focus on being the best that I can be in life and relationships then I won’t lower my personal standards to even allow a bad relationship into my life.
I love your posts Erica because they provoke me to think about how I interact and relate with people
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
November 19th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
Stephanie,
So true. In fact, when we continually strive to be our best, those who are not operating at the same level seem to disappear. They can’t take the pressure. Often their goal is to lower our standards to meet theirs – so that they feel comfortable. When your goal is to be your best, being comfortable is not the main intention. Sometimes it feels really uncomfortable when we are stretching in some new territory.
Erica
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November 20th, 2010 at 2:01 am
I remember reading that book a while back. I had forgotten some of those things. My husband will remind me from time to time and now it is all coming back to me from your great post. That is where he learned it from. I think I need to re-read that book again. I need to take more action in my life and put these great lesson into play.
Love always
Julie Elliott
Julie Elliott recently posted..Early Start To New Years Resolution
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
November 20th, 2010 at 3:59 am
These lessons require ongoing reminders and practice. It is so easy to slip into taking things personally, making assumptions and being careless with ours words. I was happy to be reminded about this also.
Erica
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November 22nd, 2010 at 10:18 pm
Dr. Goodstone
My thoughts In response to the 4 agreements:
All we can do is strive to be impeccable with our words. People may think it’s no big deal but others will remember every time you break your word.
I always try to analyze the situation (if there’s time) because I realize there is always more to the situation than meets the eye.
Sometimes people can’t help themselves from jumping to conclusions. We all react to things because of the way we were brought up. That doesn’t excuse our reactions but understanding why we react to things the way we do helps us learn to control the way we react to things.
Sometimes we get a little lazy so we reserve a part of our energies for the really important things. I am inspired to do my best when I am doing something that I am passionate about.
Great post…thanks for making me think!
Roland Bonay recently posted..How to Easily Score 200 Points a Week in the TSA
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
December 2nd, 2010 at 3:10 am
Lately, the most important agreement for me is to be impeccable with my word. Not only saying exactly what I mean but also making the effort to actually say it, especially when there might be unforeseen consequences. The more often I express my truth, in the moment, and stand by it, the stronger and more centered and more fully myself I feel. If I am impeccable with my word, I will also not make assumptions, clarify if I am taking anything personally and always do my best – because I said so.
Erica
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December 11th, 2010 at 4:14 am
These are all excellent points but my favorite is be impeccable with your word. If we don’t operate from integrity, we lose all credibility!
Eddie Espiritu recently posted..Another Network Marketing Success Story
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
December 11th, 2010 at 10:44 pm
Eddie,
I have found that it is not just maintaining our integrity but really saying what we mean, being assertive and clear about it, and as soon as possible. When both people have this clarity, relationships run so much more smoothly.
Erica
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January 27th, 2011 at 9:13 pm
The Four Agreements is my bible. It is a way of life that brings tremendous happiness. It makes life easy by eliminating the stories we all make up in our heads as well as just fully living a life of pure love and integrity.
So glad you shared it here. I hope everyone takes some times to relax in a quiet spot and relish every last word.
Much Love,
M
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
January 27th, 2011 at 9:16 pm
Michelle,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Imagine if we all lived by those 4 agreements, life and relationships would be so much easier and more lighthearted.
Erica
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February 14th, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Hi Dr Erica!
I’ve got to say this is actually the most profound, and yet the most challenging set of agreements in relationships. I hadn’t realised these are the cornerstones of relationship. Like you said, they do require a person with strong moral character and the will power to go through such situations.
Yasser
Yasser Khan recently posted..Battle Cry Of The Online Warrior
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
February 16th, 2011 at 9:10 pm
Yasser,
As those who know might say, “relationships are not for the faint of heart.” To create an incredible, long lasting, loving and fufllling relationship takes a real will to grow, expand, learn and share your true being with yourself and with another person.
Erica
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May 19th, 2011 at 5:23 am
Hi Erica,
great post on those for agreements.
Integrity with ourselves and others really seems to be dependent on those Agreements.
It took me a few decades to learn not to take things personal and I am glad that now I have this inbuilt reminder, which says ‘it is only someone else’s opinion’.
For the not making assumption I came across the saying that when we assume we are making an ASS out of U and ME.
Thank you for the food for thought.
Love and Joy
from
Yorinda
Yorinda recently posted..How to Install Love
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Dr. Erica Goodstone Reply:
May 19th, 2011 at 3:51 pm
Yorinda,
I have to admit, sometimes I still take it personally when something negative seems to be pointed directly at me. But then I remember, it is really more about the other person’s perspective and not really about me. And lately, when I make assumptions, I find that I am often way off track. So I just keep learning how to let go and let live.
Warmly,
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone recently posted..Do You Know Your Relationship Mission
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July 17th, 2011 at 8:21 pm
By starting with simple actions, thoughts and words for being impeccable we begin to exercise that very precious muscle of truth with ourselves and others. I so agree with your thoughts on The Four Agreements. I mention some of this in my Parallels of Skydiving & Life–http://chickswhoknow.com/parallels-skydiving-living-1-coach-olga/
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Dr. Goodstone Reply:
July 19th, 2011 at 12:33 am
Olga,
I love your description of “that very precious muscle of truth.” It really is incredible to live in the truth, moment to moment.
Erica
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